A Learning Experience, Maybe

Anak, can we receive a visitor at your place? Mom asked, as I was driving back home from a job interview. I guess the beach house was too far for this guest to drive, so mother suggested meeting him at my house. Of course, I agreed. However, I told Mom that she’s in charge of dinner and preparations.

At about 7 PM, our guest arrived. He claimed to be our uncle, some distant relative of Mom from Cagayan de Oro. They were about the same age, grew up together as kids and went to MSU together. So, I guess they were close at one time.

While having dinner, our guest made a kind comment about our new home. He said, this is a nice place you have here. And in reply I said, thank you. And then our conversation brought us to my job and then losing our old house. He said to me, you work in the business and financial field and didn’t see it coming? In your line of work, don’t they have this thing called calculated risk? My eyes widened in surprise, I didn’t think it was appropriate for him to comment on my personal affairs. And did I mention, he’s a guest in our house. But I decided to keep my mouth shut, out of respect and hospitality.

How about you, what do you do for a living? Are you married, do you have kids? I asked him. He answered, I’ve been separated from my wife for about three years now and we have one child together. You can say, we were both busy building up our net worth and the next thing you know , our marriage fell apart. I apologized for asking, when he interrupted me and said, I was so engrossed in my job as a Marriage and Family Therapist.

Forgive me, but I ended up laughing and giggling inside when I heard him say this. I felt like saying, you work as a family therapist and didn’t see the separation coming? I wonder if he was able to apply  the techniques and theories he learned in school? I simply rest my case…

Straight From The Netherworld

So many things have happened in the past couple months. That I found myself dead beaten, almost life less. I have lost a lot of things, and maybe some friends along the way. But I am back and ready to reclaim my place under the sun. Eka nga nila, nag recharge lang ang beauty ko!

I’m certain that by now, people are aware of our mothers battle with cancer. It was heartbreaking, one of life’s biggest blow. We were absolutely mummified to our seats when we heard the terrifying news. But we were not about to run off or wait for a miracle to happen. We took a chance and had Mom admitted to a treatment facility in Southern California. A month and a half after, she is giving the Big C one severe punch. It’s may not be a total knock out, but she’s fighting and giving it her best shot.

And then came the ghastly wind, financial dilemna and bad real estate market came knocking at my door. I did what most people would do and even more. But there was very little thing we could do on our end. I refuse to pay for something that has lost it’s value, the house was down 150K since we bought it. Refinacing was tough, our mortgage broker has ran out of options and I most certainly do not have 60K lying around the house. Interest rates are up and my brain’s drained from doing all the math. So we came to a decision, said bye-bye to our little house on the suburbs.

Then came, house hunting. I found a house and lost it a couple days before I moved in — screw that ex-hubs from hell. I should have listened to my gut feeling and settled for that dwelling in ghettoville. Beggars can’t be choosers, I said to myself. Besides, what was a destitute-daunted-gay-guy to do? Try putting your shoes in mine, and you’ll be surprise of the ideas coming out of one demoralized head. Thank heavens to my old man, who scooped me out from the netherworld.

Work or school? I am simply torn apart. I have yet to decide whether I should pursue my masters full time or work my ass again, doing the things I stronly detest. Something inside me says that I should go for what I want. But my bank account opposes. Now tell me, should I be a slave for money or a zealous stone-broke master?  Whoever said, empty pockets never held anyone back hasn’t seen what I’ve been through.

He says, she says. I feel like yelling, you can all go to hell. But can you really tell your family that? Hahaha, I thought so. However, I am close to saying f*ck off. It’s just a matter a time before I eventually  explode. I almost want to erase the word nursing from the dictionary. I don’t get it when people say, bakit di ka nalang kasi nag-nursing? In demand yon, daming ospital na naghahanap ng nurse. I swear, I was close to b*tch slapping a relative for thrusting that idea time and time again. What part of nursing’s not my calling, can she not understand? Tinagalog ko na, pero di pa rin tumahimik. I beg of her, please leave me in peace!

Masters in Public Administration or Healthcare Administration. This time, I had it all figured out. Either one is a win-win situation. I took a lot of things into consideration: personal preference, previous employment, fields of specialty, financial security, room for career advancement and professional stability. And after a lengthy discussion with the Dean of Public Affairs and Administration, it finally came to a conclusion. I haven’t made any rational moves, but I will eventually. I just have to take it slow for now. I am exhausted, I need a break. Time out na po muna…

Once A Dog, Always A Dog

For some reason, I had this bad gut feeling when I accepted Scott’s offer that I lease his house in the suburbs. But it’s not like I asked him to, I was simply having a conversation with him and his partner one day. When I told them that I’ll be putting my house on the market. Something in me wanted to say no, but Scott and his partner was insistent and the house was immaculate inside and out. Needless to say, I  didn’t listen to my intuition and I agreed to his terms.

But then came his frequent visits. At first, it was helping me pack up my things or driving down the storage facility or doing some errands. Then suddenly, he decided to drop in late one night and invited me for a way too late dinner date. He was quite disappointed when I told him no and went back to sleep. And then the next morning, he was at my door at 7 AM holding a cup of hot coffee, asking that I jog with him. Now, I’m very suspicious.

I just had to clear the air right away. As it’s only been a couple months since we’ve made peace and decided to amend our past conflicts. And we’re good friends now, specially Scott’s partner who became a fellow since we belong to the same LGBT group. Besides, I’m not about to ruin his trust and sever what good relationship I have with him. So I asked Scott, just what exactly is he doing? Why has he been showing up at my door step lately?

True enough, my hunch was right. He’s been exploring the jungle yet again. And was wondering if I can be his prey. But I was quick to dismiss his motives and his crazy wild ideas. I simply told him to get lost and leave me in peace. I was very serious when I told him that I have no problem telling his partner his misadventure, if he doesn’t leave me alone. Which made him think twice pursuing me. And to put things right, I have decided to cancel whatever agreement we have on the house. I didn’t want to see him again and deal with his dirty tricks.

It may take me sometime to find a new place to stay. But I think I’m on the right track. For I am no scumbag and have no plans associating myself with one.

The Real Issue

I went to our early Monday morning LGBT meeting, at this cafe in downtown Hayward. Soon as we got ourselves settled and grabbed ourselves a cup of coffee, Steve (a fellow Filipino) mentioned this scandal that’s been all over You Tube and newspapers in the Philippines. Call me weird or fashionably unaware, but I honestly didn’t know what he was talking about. So I found myself unable to react.

Two hours after, I got home and right away I searched gay sex scandal cebu. And there I was, watching and reading all about it. I felt horrified and I could not contain my rage. I was absolutely disgusted by what I saw, not by the surgery, but the people feasting over a certain man’s misery. What’s the crowd doing in the operating room? What right does a person have to take a video of what was supposed to be a private medical procedure? Is this really how a doctor, a nurse, or a human being should behave? Has the human race gone mad and uncivilize?

I would like to believe that this didn’t happen. I’d like to think that this was just one ghastly reverie. But then again, the videos right there getting more hits after another. This wasn’t a gay scandal, the word gay does not justify this horrific incident. Does it really take a gay person to commit something disgraceful? I dare not comment about the churches stand on this matter either, all I know is — My God is a loving God, who never looks down at his children, gay or straight. And I will not let the church define my faith, period.

Gay or straight, we have to realize that someone’s life was ruined by this awful event. And that anyone (gay or straight), can be that person lying on the surgical table with these so called professionals who will make a mockery of someones distress. To some, this may be just an unfortunate event. But I beg to differ, for this is a crime againts our fundamental rights as human beings. I’ve always been a strong believer that the care of human life, rights and happiness, and not their destruction, is the first and only object of good and civilized government and it’s people. And if ours couldn’t do that, then we are all doomed.

I am hoping, praying and pleading that justice would prevail, and that our government would take a stand, and our court of laws, impartial. Justice is for everyone, be it gay or straight! 

Should Have Stayed Home

I made a mistake of taking a last minute auditing assignment. I should have declined, but there was no one who’s willing to take the job. I wonder why? But I’m here and I guess I should just enjoy every minute of it. But then, how can I? When I had to drive in snow slippery roads and strong chilly winds. This would be the Californian side of me talking, I admit that we’re a bit spoiled. Since we don’t have to deal with cold winter months (except for darn earthquakes). And now that I’m feeling slighly feverish, I have no choice but to walk two blocks in the cold to get to the nearby pharmacy. Sigh, I should have just stayed home…

Look Who’s Talking

If there’s something my nephew knows about me at a very young age, that would definitely be my uniqueness. He knew from the start that his Yaya is gay. Which brings me to last nights conversation, when my brother started pestering Nicho.

Bro: Nicho, don’t hang out with your Yaya too much. You may end up bading!

Nicho: No, Tito Mark. I’m not going to be bading, I’m a boy! (slightly raising his voice)

Nell: Hoy Chiquito! Tigilan mo na yan… (that’s what I call my bro ever since)

Bro: I’m just saying, he might turn out gay if he’s around you all the time!

Nell: Ay gonggong ka pala eh! Kong nakakahawa ang kabaklaan eh di sana bakla ka na rin ngayon. Eh sino bang nagpalaki sayo? Eh diba ako!

Bro: Fine, fine! (then scratching his head)

Nicho: Hahaha! Tito Mark’s bading, Tito Mark’s bading!

Nicho and I couldn’t stop laughing, and my brother decided to just leave the house and smoke his defeat outside. Like my nephew would say, nobody beats my Yaya! Hahahah…

Officially Off

I couldn’t wait for the week end any longer. So, I decided to pack my bags last night and head for Mom’s house. I was told not to drive that late, but I went ahead and  did it. I was excited to see the ocean and be with Mom, so I can be a kid again. Kid at heart, that is! Besides, patience has never exactly been my virtue. Hahahah!

So this morning, I called the office and said I wasn’t coming. (Without them knowing that I’m hundreds of miles away.) I told them I’d prefer to work from home. And they didn’t seem to mind, cause I didn’t hear them complain . Guess they know better that I’m much more productive when I’m in repose.

How I wish everyday’s like this. Working in my pajamas, and having breakfast at the same time (today’s special in Mom’s kitchen is garlic fried rice, with eggs and pineapple sausage) . While I listen to the ocean waves and feel that cold breeze as it touches my face (sorry, I’m turning poetic here). And so right before I get carried away by my early week end recess, allow me to wish you guys a fabulous and safe week end!

Out Of The Rain

Exploring the cave’s darkness,
I’ve spent my life
Scraping my skin on the cold
Stone walls.
Seeking the cleansing light
Which would free me
From the endless night
That is this tunnel.
This cold, damp tunnel
I’ve wandered through
For an eternity
But wait.
There might be a light
An opening to the sun
To the sweet, fresh air
Of enlightenment and joy.
My heart pounds
As if it might burst
From my chest.
As I run toward the light.
Brighter, brighter
Closer to the exit.
I can smell the mountain air
And feel the dry desert in my lungs.
Now it’s near.
Peace floods my soul
As I walk into the scents
Of the earth’s open air and sky.
I squint at the brightness
Of the sun’s cleansing light.
Warmth floods me
Like a blanket on a winter night.
When my eyes adjust
To the blindness
Caused by so many
Years in the darkness
I scan the horizon
And see a hawk soaring
Above the peak of a nearby hill.
What a wondrous sight.
I hear the rustling
Of the sagebrush
Dancing in the desert wind.
What a glorious noise.
And I look down
At the entrance to the cave
This tunnel where I’ve spent eternity
Seeking these sights and sounds
Where I’ve been trapped
In a seemingly endless journey
To this joy and happiness
Which now seems so near.
And there, at my feet
A white rosebud
Glistening with the morning dew
And ready to open to full splendor
To experience the things
I’m feeling and draw warmth
From the morning sun.
And it makes me smile
Like I’ve never smiled.

It is my undying wish  that I never succumb to this darkness again. It is a horrible feeling, like a boat sinking deeper into the ocean. You feel helpless and lost! I am thankful that my family, my friends and my Teddy Bear were all around me at a time when I think the world is sullen and impaired.

With all the love and compassion I’ve received, be it near or distant. I am priveledged to be alive and surrounded by all these adoring people. You guys made it all easy for me to come right out of the rain…

Let’s Talk Things Over

By the time we got to the beach house, Ted was complaining that his left arm was hurting. I felt bad for acting like moron, but then he didn’t want to let go of my hand. It’s not like I am going anywhere. Feeling guilty, I went to the kitchen to grab some an ice bag for Ted. I didn’t realized his arm was badly swollen cause of my kiddish quirk.

I handed the ice pack to him and he gave this smile. Funny how he’s the only person I know who finds humor in injury. Couple minutes after, he got up and went out to get something from his car. He brought out shopping bags filled with all sorts of food. And while he was out, I went back to the kitchen to set the table for dinner. Ted bought some prep meals from Boston Market which we both silently shared.

After our meal, I went to the back porch for some fresh air. I was about to light a cigarette when Ted grabbed it from hand and threw it away. I was going to say something, but I realized he was right; I shouldn’t be smoking. He then went behind my back, gave me a big hug and kissed me on my head. Needless to say, I melted in his arms. Suddenly the feeling of melancholy was gone, though temporary.

The night was getting colder and we went back inside the house. Ted lighted the fireplace and I went back to kitchen to grab some wine glasses and a bottle of merlot. I knew the night won’t go by, without revealing myself to Ted. I’m hoping that the wine would help me calm my nerves.

Ted: Hon, what’s going on here? What’s happening to you?

Nell: If I tell you, do you promise to listen.

Ted: Of course, I will.

Nell: I have this depressive disorder for quite a while now, and this is a one of it’s manifestation. I also have seasonal affective disorder and dysthymia.

Ted: Since when?

Nell: I’ve had this for close to three years now and barely anyone knew, except for my family and a couple friends. That’s why they’re giving me my space, they know I work better this way.

Ted: I see, do you want me to leave?

Nell: No, don’t, please! Just stay for now. In as much as I’d want to deny it, I feel much better that you’re here. Not unless you want to leave, I’d understand.

Ted: Now come here, you crying baby! You thought I’d leave just because you have this disorder. No way! At least give me some more credit, I’m way better than you think I am.

Ted grabbed me from my seat and gave me the most heartfelt hug ever, and I ended crying a river while I’m wrap in his arms. I admit, it is better that he’s here. He made it much easier for me to conquer my demons. I must have under estimated him. But you can’t blame me for having my doubts, as it’s only been weeks since we started going out. And I thought it was too early to trust him. But I guess time does not exactly justify true love.

Ted: Hon, I don’t care if you have depression or some other disorder. All of us have flaws, and that includes me. But you need to understand that if we are to be a couple, we need to be honest with each other. You know I love you just the same, right?

Nell: I do and I love you, too. Thanks so much for keeping an open mind.

Ted: Okay now! Enough of this and let’s go to bed. I promise you, tomorrow would be much better.

And so we hop into bed and snuggled together till the next morning. And when I woke up, I stared at Ted while he was still asleep. He snoozed like a baby, with no trace of uncertainties in his face. Then I realized how good I’ve had it all along. How I let my depression conquered my happy spirit. Thus making me forgot to count my many blessings.

And one of that greatest blessings was just right beside me —Boy, was I lucky to have these wonderful man in my life!

And He Won’t Leave Me Alone

I left for the beach house on a Friday night, there was just so many things going inside my head. I had to leave to calm myself down and the ocean would be a perfect place to do just that. So I got in my car and drove a good three hours, by midnight I was able to make it to my destination. The house was empty, just as I want it. Mom and Dad Aldo are both gone for the week end.

By the time I got there, I was tired and ready to retire. I took some sleeping aid and I was fast asleep. It’s better that I’m snoozing rather than having all these sad thoughts. I woke up the next morning feeling a little better. I then made myself some breakfast and took a walk by the beach.  And for some reason I found myself staring at the wide open ocean. I wasn’t looking at anything in particular, and for the first time in two days — I felt a bit of relief.

A couple hours later as I was doing some yoga poses, I saw a guy walking towards my direction. I wasn’t wearing my glasses, but I thought the man looks familiar. And as he was getting closer, I realized it was Ted. He didn’t look to happy to see me and he has every right to be. I’ve been avoiding his phone calls for the past two days, as I wasn’t feeling normal enough to talk to anyone at that moment. I turned my phone off and decided to deal with my calls later. You see I have this tendency to shut my doors when I’m in distress, and I do that as to not inflict harm to the people around me. I have all the pure intentions and I know not everyone would be understanding. But that is the price I have to pay for protecting the people I care for. I’m the kind of person who’d take an arrow for somebody I love and by locking myself when I’m self destructive is my way of showing my most unconditional devotion. Besides that, I’m much better at solving problems on my own. And Ted was no excemption, I didn’t want to drag him in my netherworld and I’d hate for him to see me all powerless.

Ted: What are you doing in this place by yourself?

Nell: You’re here now. So that means I’m not just by myself.

Ted: Why won’t you answer my phone calls?

Nell: Please Ted, not right now. This is exactly the reason why I didn’t answer my phone.

Ted: Why are you acting like a b**ch?

Nell: Because I am! And by the way, who told you that I’m here?

Ted: Your sister, she said you might be here at your Mom’s.

Forgive me, but I can be unkind when I’m dispirited. In my heart, I know Ted means well and he didn’t deserve my nasty remarks. It’s but an attempt to persuade him to leave and spare him from all these unpleasantries. And it’s not because I didn’t want him in my life either, I didn’t want him to see me weak and disarmed. But then he sat right beside me and started playing with the sand. Looks like this is going to take a while.

Ted: If you think that I’m leaving anytime soon. You’re up for some serious  disappointment! I am not leaving till you talk to me and tell me what’s going on.

Nell: Not now, Ted. Please, I just want to be left alone. That is all!

Ted: You are one horrible liar, do you know that?

Nell: Accused me of anything you want, just give me some space.

Thirty minutes has passed and he was still in the same spot. There’s no way of talking him out of this. By the time he lied on the sand and saw this duffle bag with him, I figured out that he’s not leaving. So it’s either I start talking or I should be the one to pack my bags. Five minutes of deep breaths, I decided to just spill my guts.

Nell: What do you want to know, Ted?

Ted: Why did you leave? Why are you acting this way?

Nell: If I tell you, do you promise to leave me alone?

Ted: No, I’ve decided to stay for the night. Tell me all about it over dinner. I brought some food with me.

I’m guessing he planned all this, from his visit down to dinner. By that time we finished arguing, it started getting cold. And Ted suggested that we start heading for the cottage. He grabbed me by the hand and pulled me up from the ground. He didn’t let go after, we were walking back to my Mom’s house and I was punching him on the arm so he’d let my hands go. But he was stronger and peevish, he wouldn’t leave me alone!

To be continued…