He claims he did me wrong. But I have yet to hear the words – I’m sorry. Guess, he never heard of the word humility?
People can choose to bail out on you and move on, you know. And that’s far easier than staying, helping out and enduring the pain. A little bit of appreciation would be nice, at least every once in a while.
… I lied to you. When I should have known better that it’s not a good thing to do. When you asked me if we’re okay? I said yes. When what I really wanted to say was “the hell we’re not.” I thought that getting back with you would help me get rid of all the pain, the betrayal, and all the worries. But no, it didn’t.
So now, I am asking you a favor. I am asking that you leave, give me some space and let me be alone in my thoughts. I beg you not to say a word, cause I’m afraid that I would lose my courage to move on. Let me heal, allow me to grow in my own pain, to rediscover forgiveness and trust.
I wanted to be with you so bad, but I gotta do this!
I don’t usually pay that much attention to myself. But since a friend brought it up over lunch, one time – on how angry and temperamental I’ve been lately. I started listening to myself speak and observing how I would react to certain things, and it’s true. I have turned into a virulent and rude person. Even I am horrified at myself and my indecorous ways!
I absolutely have no idea what made me into this awful being. And I am in no way proud of my behavior, and I won’t make any excuses for it. There is a reason or probably plenty of reasons why I am the way I am now. And I tried to heal myself – made a list, trial and error, regression, solitude, yoga, group therapy and self help books. I did what I can and I gave it my best, but it didn’t work. I am desperate for help, and certain things have to be done soon before this consumes me. I think it’s time for the professionals to step in.
I had brunch with a friend Saturday. When she asked me – “So how are you doing?” I was very eager to answer, said that I was doing fine. That I was busy trying to make both school and my job work. She replied – “So you’re in school again?” I did sense a feeling of perplexity and at the same time, distaste in her tone. But I ignored it, I really didn’t feel like arguing or explaining myself. So my reply was – “Yes, I’m back in school.” Hoping that she would leave the topic behind. And then she said – “Don’t you think you’re too old for that!” I was very surprised with her answer, and heaven knows that if I could have it my way. I would rather leave the table, pay the bill and disappear. But I couldn’t find it in myself to be impolite, so I kept my silence and tried to change the subject of our conversation. When she said – ” Really, don’t you think we’re too old for school and doing academic stuff?” She really didn’t want to leave the topic off, and that was when I decided to speak up – “No, I’m not too old for academic stuff and neither are you! And there really is no such thing as young and old when it comes to education. Besides, do we really ever stop learning? Cause if that’s the case, everybody would be stuck in the stone age! Don’t you think?” Her eyes were wide open after my reply. But she didn’t dare add fuel to the fire. Next thing we know, we were talking about love, marriage and divorce!
I was trying to find humor, in what feels like the end – but I couldn’t. Hours of waiting, and judgment day has started. You stand at the foot of the altar, and I look at you teary eyed six rows away. You looked at me one time, and turned your head down. That look was your goodbye. I was inconsolable! In the midst of everyone’s happiness, I was the only one feeling pain and sadness. My tears were thought to be a sign of happiness. If only they knew…
-July 19, 1998-
At first, when she said it – I felt so small inside. But then, looking back at what I have done for this person. I think, I deserve better. I was good to her, always been. I really thought, I could rely on her to catch me when I fall. But, I guess not! She was simply waiting for a chance to take every inch of pride I have inside. Try and break my spirit, and my will to trust.
But what really drives me insane, is that I was ready to take a bullet for this person and I still do. Even if she has hurt me, tremendously…