You don’t know how many times I’ve asked myself again and again. If I should agree to see him. But in the end I’ve figured out – what do I have to lose? [ Besides my self respect and the very last ounce of dignity I have left ] Right? I then grabbed my phone, texted him saying that I’ll meet him at the cafe nearby at 11 am. I got there five minutes early, and there he is in all his handsomeness, smiling at me.
In closing, I said that I do accept his apology. But I could not allow us to be friends – at least not now. He smiled, held my hand one last time, and I smiled back. I then walked out of the cafe, without looking back. Somehow, I felt good.
I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around it. And in a way I’m impress at myself at how I manage the situation.
How, you asked? I’m not sure. I guess lots of time alone and some needed sleep.
Yes, that’s it – sleep on it!
Guess, I didn’t asked the right questions or maybe I just didn’t care at all. But then I can’t feel guilty about something, I didn’t know.
… I lied to you. When I should have known better that it’s not a good thing to do. When you asked me if we’re okay? I said yes. When what I really wanted to say was “the hell we’re not.” I thought that getting back with you would help me get rid of all the pain, the betrayal, and all the worries. But no, it didn’t.
So now, I am asking you a favor. I am asking that you leave, give me some space and let me be alone in my thoughts. I beg you not to say a word, cause I’m afraid that I would lose my courage to move on. Let me heal, allow me to grow in my own pain, to rediscover forgiveness and trust.
I wanted to be with you so bad, but I gotta do this!
Is this some kind of sick joke? That soon after posting yesterdays entry, my phone rang. And guess who it was? Funny, how I’ve been expecting this call. I have long rehearse the lines to say to him, express the pain and wrath I have long kept inside. And here’s the phone in my hand, I only have to press the talk button and suddenly I chickened out. So mad at myself, why am I such a wimp when it comes to him?
I asked myself this question over and over again. Am I ready? Do I have what it takes to love or at the very least, trust someone all over again? While it’s been months since he walked out on me – I still find myself hurt by the thought, that someone I deeply and honestly trust. Just one day decided, without a hint nor any indication – to leave and dropped everything we have, just like that!
And then I had to pick up what’s left of myself and move on. It’s a long process – going thru pain, finding ways to numb yourself, asking all sorts of questions, seeking for answers, finding yourself in dead ends, making peace, and then eventually embracing the truth. That he’s ( a scum bug and) never coming back!
Part of me is hoping for an explanation. But clearly, it’s never going to happen. Losers don’t have any answers, only excuses. And while they say that failed marriages (not that we’re married), produces scorned people and losers. I have to say, that it’s a lie! I wouldn’t dare declare myself a winner, but I refuse to accept that I lost. He ran away, and I stayed. Plus, I made it thru just fine – that has got to mean something!
Geeh, if I wasn’t broken hearted and all; I wouldn’t even think of checking in with my blog. But then again I am a melodramatic moron – I needed to feel something strange before I am even compelled to compose a phrase. And yes, I am broken hearted! My heart is, but not me. So don’t you guys worry, just allow me to focus all my time and energy into higher learning. And in time I will bounce back – happy and probably wiser!
I am ready to leave my world for him,
Desert the life I made my home,
Leaving familiar people behind,
For him, for us, for a future with him.