Reading last nights post, thought I sounded dark and suicidal. When in reality, I am not one bit dire or lethal. I am sad, but I’m sane enough to still have an appreciation for life. Guess, there are just certain things that I’m going through somehow; that impedes my usual zesty and engage self.
And I do try.
I do my best to find hope and substance in nature, in literature, in family and friends, in little things. However, short lived – I cherish the minutes in a day when I find myself smiling. For it is in those precious moments, that I find certitude. That this would soon come to past.
“Dawn and dusk are mutual friends of the sun; one opens the door for him to a brand new day and the other one has to shut it to embrace the darkness of night.”
― Munia Khan
I am suffering. It is as simple as that.
Pain got me here. Down on my knees, on the ground. Typing my sorrows into words.
I am writing, for it’s the only way I know how to numb the feeling of such emptiness. The room’s filled with people, of things, of loudness. Yet I am consumed in nothing, but nothingness.
I’ve cried, meditate and prayed. But the depth of this pain is deeper that I could imagine, that I can fully grasp or reach.
I am way passed recognition, over my head figuring out the cause. It’s useless, and I am tired.
Sadly, my return to writing came at the expense of my loneliness.
And for that, I apologize.
“Tonight I can write the saddest lines
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.”
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair
Yes, I’m still here! To all the peeps that’s been asking about my whereabouts.
And yes, I’ve been hiding away from the crowd. G-U-I-L-T-Y!
Why? I’ve been hating lately. I figured, I may as well keep the unpleasant remarks to myself.
Save me the embarrassment, right?
Nonetheless, I am fine. Perfectly fine!
For a moment, I’ve been feeling perplexed. But I may finally be getting my groove back.
I’m kind of off the beat, but I’m starting to get the feel of the rhythm.
Only a matter of time, and I’ll be my full self.
Doing the Harlem Shake!
… I lied to you. When I should have known better that it’s not a good thing to do. When you asked me if we’re okay? I said yes. When what I really wanted to say was “the hell we’re not.” I thought that getting back with you would help me get rid of all the pain, the betrayal, and all the worries. But no, it didn’t.
So now, I am asking you a favor. I am asking that you leave, give me some space and let me be alone in my thoughts. I beg you not to say a word, cause I’m afraid that I would lose my courage to move on. Let me heal, allow me to grow in my own pain, to rediscover forgiveness and trust.
I wanted to be with you so bad, but I gotta do this!
I asked myself this question over and over again. Am I ready? Do I have what it takes to love or at the very least, trust someone all over again? While it’s been months since he walked out on me – I still find myself hurt by the thought, that someone I deeply and honestly trust. Just one day decided, without a hint nor any indication – to leave and dropped everything we have, just like that!
And then I had to pick up what’s left of myself and move on. It’s a long process – going thru pain, finding ways to numb yourself, asking all sorts of questions, seeking for answers, finding yourself in dead ends, making peace, and then eventually embracing the truth. That he’s ( a scum bug and) never coming back!
Part of me is hoping for an explanation. But clearly, it’s never going to happen. Losers don’t have any answers, only excuses. And while they say that failed marriages (not that we’re married), produces scorned people and losers. I have to say, that it’s a lie! I wouldn’t dare declare myself a winner, but I refuse to accept that I lost. He ran away, and I stayed. Plus, I made it thru just fine – that has got to mean something!
It’s mid afternoon and everybody’s busy preparing tonights Thanksgiving meal in the kitchen. Honestly, it was starting to get a bit crowded in our mid-size kitchen. And then it hit me!
Dad is by sink washing the dishes, Mom was by the pantry looking for some Mang Tomas lechon sauce, my Sister by the stove glazing the ham, my Brothers and in-laws sitting in front of counter table sampling the food. And my nephews and niece in the family room doing the thing they do best – watching TV and video games.
Wow, the whole family’s here! And however sad I am trying to put myself together. How can I be unhappy? I am surrounded by love, and that is all the blessing I need!
I was trying to find humor, in what feels like the end – but I couldn’t. Hours of waiting, and judgment day has started. You stand at the foot of the altar, and I look at you teary eyed six rows away. You looked at me one time, and turned your head down. That look was your goodbye. I was inconsolable! In the midst of everyone’s happiness, I was the only one feeling pain and sadness. My tears were thought to be a sign of happiness. If only they knew…
-July 19, 1998-