I’ve been called so many names, both good and bad. But this is the first time I’ve been addressed as a stuck up. And don’t you guys worry, I ain’t gonna cry about it. I’m actually laughing it all out. Simply because I know who I really am, and that I am not easily threatened by people calling me names. Besides, I’ve heard worst. Hahaha!
It started with a request or should I say an emotional blackmail. I was asked to child sit, yet again next week end. But then, I’ve already made plans for the coming Saturday. It’s our last week end before we fly to Manila for our holiday vacation. And I think I have every right to do my last minute errands. So, I was quick to tell them no. Told them of my plans for that day and said that Sunday would be better for me. I was so willing to compromise, even for a later time. But what I got in return were unpleasant remarks, that I’m selfish and disagreeable.
Well quite obviously, I answered back and defended myself from such accusations. Most people would know, that I’m not one to withdraw in any fight. So if it’s verbal brawling they want, then that’s what they’ll get. It was a good five minutes of argument, until the word stuck up was said. And I blurt out a sarcastic laugh. I feel like yelling, WTF!
I hate to say this, but looks like I’m arguing with a dumb dumb. What does the word stuck up had to do with any of these? I would understand if they’d say that I am self centered, lazy or materialistic. But to call me a stuck up? He must have been high on meth, for him to say something stupid like that. Last I checked in the urban dictionary, the word stuck up pertains to a person who thinks they’re better than everyone else, except within their clique of friends.
And, do I think of myself any better than others? Well, the answer is hell no! How could I even think that, when I’m down right poor and unemployed. And besides, I don’t have a clique of friends who I share my stuck up moments with. I think I deserve better, and I don’t have time on my plate to mingle with airheads. And less I forget, our conversation started as a request, asking me a favor to watch over his kids. Now, it’s all starting to sound like an order or some sort of decree. Like it’s imperative that I follow. Well, screw him! Guess he forgot that I don’t take orders well.
The conversation ended when he decided to hang up and heard me call him a dick fart looney bastard. Serves him well, right? When I should have said more. And that money he was ranting about (or blackmailing me with), that he called a gift. Well, he can shoove it up his obnoxious a-hole, cause I have no use for it. I don’t want it, period.
Funny how people mistreat others just because they can’t have it there way. You do them a favor once, and suddenly your the official child sitter. People can be so darn abusive sometimes. You give them a hand, and yet they grab you by the arm. Now, who did they call selfish an disagreeable again? Hmmm, I simply rest my case…
I’ve been trying to keep my cool, telling myself over and over again. Patience is a virtue, my darling! Keep your mouth shut for now. But then again, I wasn’t born tolerant at all. I complain a lot, I speak my mind and can be down right cruel as well.
So when Leon called for the nth time, asking that we get back together (yet again). I lost my sanity and unleashed my inner wrath. He got it from me so bad, that all he could say was – uhhh. I wasn’t exactly proud of myself for doing that, but his mulishness has pushed me to my limit. He made me so mad that my last words to him was, arrrgh.
To prevent myself from saying more things detrimental, I decided to hang up and end the conversation. And thank heavens, he got the message. He didn’t call me again! Don’t get me wrong, I love Leon. But the more he pushes himself to me, the more angry I become. And I don’t want to despise him. I would like for us to remain, at the very least – good friends.
Now, I’m reminded of this quote that says – there’s a very thin line between love and hatred. And I’m trying my best not to succumb to that. Leon is a good person and I know he means well. But he needs to respect my judgement and give me the space that I need. Decisions have been made and I’m not one to take it back.
We were driving down I-880 when Mom suddenly said – If you really love, Leon. Why did you let him go? I looked towards Mom’s direction and smiled. I said to her – It was love itself, Mom! She looked at me, took my right hand and squeezed it. She understood why…
Truth be told, I decided to call it quits with Leon againsts his will. It was only a week or two after seeing each other when I told him, I’m out. Unfortunately, he was still in a committed relationship. And needless to say, I refuse to settle as second best. He did say that he’ll end his affair with the other guy, but I said no. It was unfair and uncoath to do such a thing and use me as an excuse. I told myself not to meddle with his life, it was his baggage not mine. But as heaven is my witness, I do love him to this very day. But the timing was all wrong, the events were not in my favor and maybe our time too, has past.
Through the years, you can say that I have matured quite tremendously. And if this has happened to me before, I would probably have no problem snatching someone elses man, all in the name of love. But then, my priorities has changed and I, as well. I have learned to let go of things and let it grow on it’s own. Learned when to fight and when to recede. I try to pick my battles and Leon wasn’t one of them. I have my reasons, and it wasn’t easy for me to deny him. Fact is, love is never selfish. I could have stayed with him, but that would mean losing my self respect and my values. Besides, how can I find peace and happiness when I know I’ve caused someone huge despair.
There’s never a day that I don’t think of Leon. He was the love of my life, my happiness. But he had some growing up to do, and situtations to face on his own. And love wasn’t a question. It was about trust all along, and I couldn’t find it in him just yet.
For some reason, I haven’t had the compulsion to write an entry for my blog. I don’t know why? I’m perfectly fine, I’m not depressed or anything. I guess, I’m just uninspired. Either that or I’m just plain, lazy. Hahaha! Like I said, I am doing alright and having the time of my life. I’m actually loving it, being unemployed at all. This maybe my much needed break, from my non-stop and hectic life. You see, for the past twelve years since I started working. I haven’t had a break ever, besides week ends and holidays. And do we really call that a recess? Considering, there’s chores and errands we had to do on such times.
And so, this is how freedoms feels like. I am nobody’s slave, and I am the master of my own fate. I absolutely love every minute of it! There’s a bit of a downside to it though, but I don’t care. I maybe poor, but I am happy. I am living within my own means, and it’s great. It’s refreshing to take a sudden crash course in Finance and Budgeting. Not to mention, application of theories I learned in business school. Hahaha!
Eventually, this vacation will come to an end. That’s how life goes! Once all resources are gone, people need to go back out there and start busting there behinds again. And I’m not afraid, for it’s a reality I have to face. No guts, no glory, right? But, I am grateful. For I’ve been able to experience such happiness. I don’t want to say that I’m all cerebral and smart, but I’ve found new wisdom from all of these:
That life, if we keep chasing it, will drive us to death. So we may as well let go, sit still and let contentment come to us…
We ask Lord, that You guide the Leader
of our great country in their hour of decision.
The burden that has been placed on their
shoulders during this crisis is overwhelming.
We ask that with Your infinite wisdom You
guide them gently to the right decisions.
Lord, we ask that You
allow us all to come together as a Nation,
to stand tall and united, so that we might
help each other in our hour of need.