Not Your Typical Friend

Got a phone call from a friend today, said he wanted to talk to me in private. I figured out our house isn’t open to the general public. Therefore, it’s private enough and I invited him to come over. A half hour later, he was outside ringing our door bell.

I was very suprise to see him in bad shape, he looks absolutely wasted. If I hadn’t known him for years, I would say he’s on drugs or something. He wasn’t his jolly self, as well. Whenever, I had the chance to see him. He’s always been cheerful and in a joking mode. But today, he looks almost lifeless.

And so, I asked him to have a sit in the family room. Then, I went to the kitchen to grab us something to drink and munch on. And when I got back, he said to me. “Nell, I need your help. I think I’m having some identity problem.” Hmmm, and I was quick to asked him. “You mean if you’re gay or straight?” And his eyes widened when he said, “How do you know that?” I think I raised my eyebrows involuntarily, cause the next thing you know he told me not to stare and raise my eyebrows again. Believe me, I have no control over these things. I mean staring at people suspiciously, raising my eyebrows or biting the side of my inner lips. I was like that, since I can remember.

There was a moment of silence, while I tried to put the words together in my head. When my friend repeated the question, “How do you know that, Nell?” After hearing that, I decided to just be brutally honest. “You are gay! Are you still confuse about that part?” And then I realize, based on his facial expression. That he’s still baffled about this whole gay thing.

“I just know! First time I saw you at Asia SF, I knew you were queer…” I said to him. My friend was shocked in disbelief, “Am I that obvious?” I didn’t answer his question. Instead of saying something, I just nodded my head. And he cried like a child after. “Oh golly, what did I just do?” I said to myself. 

I couldn’t just let my friend cry a river, and use his shirt to wipe his tears. And so, I ran to the bathroom and grabbed a box of Kleenex. I handed it to him, and gave him a big hug. Minutes later, he decided to stop crying and we started talking again.

“But I don’t want to be gay?” He said. I didn’t expect him to say that, and I kind of felt disgust in his words. Which got me a bit carried away, when I said “Then why the hell were you hanging out with drag queens, trannies and GAY people like me? Don’t tell me you’re just curious? That is so cliche…” Guess, I was able to wake his senses and he started saying he’s sorry.

“Look, I don’t what you’re on or what you’ve been taking all these years. But whatever it is, you better stop; cause it’s not doing you any good. Let’s say, didn’t want to be gay. But guess what, the signs are right there before you. Kicking you in the balls, so do speak. Okay, you’re no homo. Then what’s all that lip to lip action you do with that male bartender last year? The flirting you do with numerous gay masseuse? Or that happy expression on your face, when you saw your first guy go-go dancer? Must be just a coincedence? Or better yet, a late 30’s identity crisis, right?” I said to him in rage.

My friend was pinned down on his sit with a dumbfound look on his face. He was quiet for a while, and somehow I expected that. The words I said were not exactly edible, it takes a real queer to take all those in. Soon enough, he got up and was heading towards the door. When I asked him to stop and grab him by the arm.

“Forgive me, if I was rude to you earlier. But then again, I wasn’t sorry that I said it. Cause I know you need to hear it one way or another. I don’t think you’re confuse, not a bit. But boy are you in so much denial, so much that it deters you from seeing who you are and what a wonderful person you’ve become. And you do not need me to say that, cause you are beautiful inside and out.” I said while giving him a hug.

“Acceptance, self acceptance. That is all you need, my friend. Just accept who you really are, and inner peace will soon follow. From there, everything else will fall into place. And you won’t look like crap, like you so today.” And then we started laughing…

Words In My Head

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One Last Glance

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened
or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world…

Last Look

Litratong Pinoy #24: Pilak

 

Subalit may hihigit pa sa mga ginto at pilak
Higit pa ang kaningningan kaysa busilak na perlas
Ito’y wikang bukambibig ng pusong nagpapahayag
Ng ating damdaming tapat sa diwa ng pangungusap
Pakikipagtalastasan ay ganap na maliwanag
Dahil sa sariling wika ang lahi’y ganap nang likas.

 

Flower Brooch

Strange But True

“So why did you fall for him?” My sister asked loudly, not even caring that we were having this conversation in the middle of the bra section at Victoria’s Secret. But come to think of it, I have never asked myself that question. Hmmm, I wonder why? Considering, I knew he was straight the first time I ever laid eyes on him.

I don’t know, maybe I was attracted cause he smelled good. Or because he makes a good cup of coffee for me each morning, or the notes he leaves me on my desk. Saying, please research the Russell vs Pimco Innovation case, before anything else or don’t have time to back up files, would you kindly do it for me. With the word please in all caps and three exclamation signs following it. Now, isn’t that romantic?

Just how did we meet? All started when I took a part time job, the second time around, at my uncles law office. Said he needed someone who can assist him and his partner (business, that is) clear out there mess in the office. And work on there accounts and financial books as well. Besides, the offer was good. And I badly needed the money, so I agreed.

To start with, he is one arrogant guy. He has this very domineering appeal. Others wouldn’t want to be associated with him. But for some reason, beyond my foolish comprehension. I was enticed. Maybe, because I’m alpha male myself. Though not by choice, but for lack of options and the absence of a figure willing to step up to the challege. For a change, I wanted to be on the back seat and be led by someone. Instead of me steering the wheel, which I think is exhausting once we’ve reached a certain saturation point.

I know, I am up for disappointment. I don’t think I’m omnipotent enough to bend his manhood. Not unless my gay fairy godmother shows up, and sprinkle some love dust over this fool. But then again, I don’t think so. There’s not a hint of queerness in him, he’s a straight guy through and through.

Getting back on the question, why did I fall for him? Maybe, because he’s so comfortable being himself. That he personifies this guy who doesn’t give a crap what others think of him. He lives to please himself, and not for others. There’s not an inch of softness in him, besides his smile. He’s a bad boy, something I couldn’t imagine myself being one.

Waiting For Love

Changing Seasons…

There will always be people,
Who will turn out in ways you never expected,
And it dawns on you that you have to let them go,
So that they can fulfill their destinies,
While you go on to fulfill your own life path.

As life likes to dish out surprises and challenges,
Sometimes it is only through letting go,
When your heart cries in anguish,
That in the agonizing process that you realize,
What is truly worth holding onto.

Letting go does not signify weakness,
As it might take more courage to let go than holding on,
Like the big, inflexible tree that snaps in the storm,
While tiny blades of grasses yield and live on,
Revealing the strength of letting go.

Changing Seasons

Tough Love

I’ve hurt someone I love today, and I feel horrible. I know I did the right thing, yet I am feeling at fault. But I needed to draw the line somewhere, I cannot help him forever. I cannot be there each time he falls, or bail him out when he gets into trouble.

I didn’t know love can be so exhausting. Yes, I am tired, so tired of broken promises and hearing all sorts of excuses.

I am bleeding inside, for I know he felt betrayed. But this is not an act of abandonment, nor an issue about trust. I am simply doing him a favor. For if I don’t cut him out now, he would surely drag me and our family with him. Draining us of every inch of dignity and self respect we have left.

There is no doubt, I love him. But I do not like the man he has become — selfish, abusive, greedy, brassy and impolite. He has turned into a monster, capable of tormenting anyone, including the family who relentlessly cared for him.

The abuse and exploitation has to stop, and unfortunately for me, it ends here. I simply don’t buy it no more. There is nothing he can say that would change the way I feel. What I need now is a commitment for change. And until he realizes what he did wrong and seek professional help. I do not want him, not in my life or in this life time. He can bring his bullshit elsewhere, to someone he can deceive.

There is love and concern, but I am out of compassion. And yes, it’s a harsh reality he has to face. But I cannot continue putting my life on the pedestal or live in days filled with fear and uncertainties. I demand change, or I may as well lose him forever.

mendocino