Got a phone call from a friend today, said he wanted to talk to me in private. I figured out our house isn’t open to the general public. Therefore, it’s private enough and I invited him to come over. A half hour later, he was outside ringing our door bell.
I was very suprise to see him in bad shape, he looks absolutely wasted. If I hadn’t known him for years, I would say he’s on drugs or something. He wasn’t his jolly self, as well. Whenever, I had the chance to see him. He’s always been cheerful and in a joking mode. But today, he looks almost lifeless.
And so, I asked him to have a sit in the family room. Then, I went to the kitchen to grab us something to drink and munch on. And when I got back, he said to me. “Nell, I need your help. I think I’m having some identity problem.” Hmmm, and I was quick to asked him. “You mean if you’re gay or straight?” And his eyes widened when he said, “How do you know that?” I think I raised my eyebrows involuntarily, cause the next thing you know he told me not to stare and raise my eyebrows again. Believe me, I have no control over these things. I mean staring at people suspiciously, raising my eyebrows or biting the side of my inner lips. I was like that, since I can remember.
There was a moment of silence, while I tried to put the words together in my head. When my friend repeated the question, “How do you know that, Nell?” After hearing that, I decided to just be brutally honest. “You are gay! Are you still confuse about that part?” And then I realize, based on his facial expression. That he’s still baffled about this whole gay thing.
“I just know! First time I saw you at Asia SF, I knew you were queer…” I said to him. My friend was shocked in disbelief, “Am I that obvious?” I didn’t answer his question. Instead of saying something, I just nodded my head. And he cried like a child after. “Oh golly, what did I just do?” I said to myself.
I couldn’t just let my friend cry a river, and use his shirt to wipe his tears. And so, I ran to the bathroom and grabbed a box of Kleenex. I handed it to him, and gave him a big hug. Minutes later, he decided to stop crying and we started talking again.
“But I don’t want to be gay?” He said. I didn’t expect him to say that, and I kind of felt disgust in his words. Which got me a bit carried away, when I said “Then why the hell were you hanging out with drag queens, trannies and GAY people like me? Don’t tell me you’re just curious? That is so cliche…” Guess, I was able to wake his senses and he started saying he’s sorry.
“Look, I don’t what you’re on or what you’ve been taking all these years. But whatever it is, you better stop; cause it’s not doing you any good. Let’s say, didn’t want to be gay. But guess what, the signs are right there before you. Kicking you in the balls, so do speak. Okay, you’re no homo. Then what’s all that lip to lip action you do with that male bartender last year? The flirting you do with numerous gay masseuse? Or that happy expression on your face, when you saw your first guy go-go dancer? Must be just a coincedence? Or better yet, a late 30’s identity crisis, right?” I said to him in rage.
My friend was pinned down on his sit with a dumbfound look on his face. He was quiet for a while, and somehow I expected that. The words I said were not exactly edible, it takes a real queer to take all those in. Soon enough, he got up and was heading towards the door. When I asked him to stop and grab him by the arm.
“Forgive me, if I was rude to you earlier. But then again, I wasn’t sorry that I said it. Cause I know you need to hear it one way or another. I don’t think you’re confuse, not a bit. But boy are you in so much denial, so much that it deters you from seeing who you are and what a wonderful person you’ve become. And you do not need me to say that, cause you are beautiful inside and out.” I said while giving him a hug.
“Acceptance, self acceptance. That is all you need, my friend. Just accept who you really are, and inner peace will soon follow. From there, everything else will fall into place. And you won’t look like crap, like you so today.” And then we started laughing…