I remembered, as if it was just yesterday. I woke up one Sunday morning, sat down on the ground, leaning on the lighthouse wall. With the sun on my face, the wind blowing through my hair. I watched the birds dancing with the wind. Felt the sand in between my toes and the breeze, you can smell the ocean. And it is in that stillness, in that moment – that I felt the most happy, most serene and in touch with my inner myself.
Sometimes when I’m enraged, I have the right to be angry. But that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
” In your 20’s, you think you own the world and know everything. Then you’re in your 30’s, you stumbled, hit yourself hard on concrete and eventually discovered – you don’t know crap, you don’t know shit! “
I shouldn’t have sent Leon that email. It should have ended with that thing, and all the endless questions in my head. But then again, I needed to know where I stand. What are we really?
An hour after sending my email, I heard an alert on my Blackberry phone – he has responded. And so I opened my inbox, red his message word for word. To my surprise and not knowing why, I got teary eyed. He said:
I screwed up, and I admit it. That’s why I never questioned you, the day you decided to leave me. It’s been tough, months of silence and living in guilt. Getting up the next day, and what for? But nothing. Yes, I am nothing without you, my love. What’s left of me was a box full of nothing. A body without a soul, an artist who has lost it’s muse. And everyday (not having you with me) is a constant reminder of my mistakes, of my despicable behaviour. A realization that life without you by my side , is a death sentence.
Yes, you are strong and I am the weak one. You are capable of moving on, and I can’t (and I won’t.) No would mean the end of me. You’ve won, you’ve made your point. Now could we leave these all behind us and please come back, love. I beg of you!
Guess the question now is — am I ready? Could I fall for the same guy the third time…
My mentor once told me, that life is like a play. That each person has a role to portray in this broadway show called, LIFE. And it doesn’t matter if we got the lead role, a supporting character or an extra. A role is a role, and each character, no matter how grand or small, is important to get the story and message through. What does matter, is if we give it our best?
I decided to finally answer the phone. I thought a week of silence is enough torture for him. It was immature, but what can I do? This is how I handle things. I guess he was suprised when I finally said hello. He even asked, is this Nell? I laughed and he finally found out he had the right person all along. Hahaha!
Surprisingly, the conversation was mellow. No one dared to raise our voice, we were finally talking like adults should. He asked me questions, and I answered. I asked mine, and I begged him to tell me the truth. Which he eventually did.
In closing, I thanked him for his honesty. I knew it was too much for him, yet he did. And I appreciate him more, for owning up his lies and mistakes. Both of us have our own set of misbehaviour, if you know what I mean.
Things may not have turned out like we expected. But we handled things well, I think. And it feels good to close one chapter without ripping any pages. What we had was a dream turned nightmare. We thought it was a good idea to rekindle the flame. But that flame, eventually burned both of us. We made the rules, and broke it many times. It was too good to be true! With our past haunting us to this day, it was impossible to make things work. We tried, and we failed. And from that, we picked up the pieces. We gave each other a hug and we moved on!
It was a mutual thing, we both needed to heal. And come to think of it, going our separate ways was the best decision we have made…
I knew the day would eventually come, but I didn’t expect it to be so soon. Well, the siblings I use to care for can pretty much fend for themselves now. Funny, how I thought this day would be one joyous occassion. When I could finally free myself and do the things I have put on hold. Travel the world, settle down maybe and take care of me.
Somehow, I feel useless. Maybe because I’ve spend most of my life caring and tending people I love. And now that they no longer need my help. Here am I standing on the sidewalk, clueless. Wondering what to do next, trying to find something to keep me occupied.
I guess, I need some getting to use time. Let this all sink in and get myself acclimated to my so called, new life. It won’t be easy, but I know I’ll snap out of it sometime. Change is good, I’ll tell myself that over and over again.
I’ll be fine, I will be…