I’ve been hearing the phone by the front desk ringing. One, two, three… it was irritating. I got up, pulled the phone from the plug and tossed it inside an open drawer. I was not in the mood, I am not myself and I slammed my office door close after. I’ve been staring at my computer monitor with the cursor blinking right before my eye, waiting for an entry. But my fingers aching, I dare not write. I have tons of email in my inbox, and they’re piling up every hour. But how can I answer back, when I’m lost in words? Lunch was boring, there’s lack of excitement in coffee breaks. My stomachs numb, I have no appetite. But I figured I needed to last the day at least. So I got in my car and drove off to a nearby gas station. Got me a candy bar, a corn dog and bottled water — Buon Appetito!
It took me sometime to finally absorb the reality that she is gone. It is just today, that I finally had time for myself to reflect and then finally cry. I closed my office door, stared at her picture as I was holding on to my cellphone (with her last text message in it). She’s bitten the dust and there’s nothing I can do to bring her back to life. And all I have are wonderful memories, that I will treasure till the day we meet at heavens gates. I love you, Ate Bing…
The things we used to say,
The things we used to do,
All these happy hours are now just empty days,
And I can’t bear the strain to pass the time away.
Life will never be the same without you…
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!
I got a phone call at 1:34 PM today, that my beloved cousin (more like a sister) died in her sleep early this morning. I was shocked in disbelief, cause in my head I can still picture her alive, with this big bright smile on her face. I must be in denial, subjecting myself to not face the painful reality. You see, she’s been battling the Big C (breast cancer) for quite sometime now and somehow I knew it was coming, one way or another. And yet, I was still unprepared. I found myself staring at the office window, saying — this is not true, this is not real…
God looked down on your body,
So tired from hanging on,
From a life that was overwhelming you,
And wanted back His child.
So he took away the air you breathe,
And gave you what was best,
A place to be at peace,
A final place to rest.
She said to me not too long ago, no tears when I die. But I can’t help it, I needed to let my sorrows out. Her departure has left me helpless and in pain. Life would never be the same without her. I lost a cousin, a sister and a friend…
I love you so much and I promise to always keep your memory alive in my heart and in my thoughts. I promise to pick up the pieces of your wonderful life and make them my own. You need not worry about your beautiful kids, as we’ll try and raise them to be good and kindhearted people like there mother. And I promise to always remind them of your infinite love and grace. May your sweet loving soul find peace and solace in heaven. I will miss you, Ate Bing!
I can’t help but get mad at myself for being a pusong mamon, that I am. This is the n-th time it got me in trouble. I try and give people the benefit of the doubt and extend a helping hand, and what do I get? Abuse and ungratefulness. I’m sure you knew how family meant the world to me, and so, when a cousin came knocking at my door asking for help to get a new car. I gladly did and signed the papers for him. No second thoughts at all, he is after all —family, a blood relative and a childhood friend. We’ve had years and years of countless good memories from back home. So it didn’t dawned on me that one day I’d be betrayed.
I won’t go in detail of what happened, but this unfortunate event did require me to pay six monthly payments on a car I didn’t drive, take two days off from work, pay for two plane tickets to LAX and tons of phone calls with the bank, the car dealer and finally, Lojack and local police department. So I’m not exactly amuse by this whole turn of events. Fortunately, the car was found and now in my possesion. My brother in law drove back to San Francisco with the vehicle, while I took a late flight out.
And as I was at the LAX Airport, my cousin decided to reveal himself all of a sudden. Why show up now? I said to myself. I was so mad that I told him to back off and leave me alone. But he was being pushy asking for five minutes of my time. So I got up of my seat, only to give him two slaps on his face. I left him standing in the crowd after that. I didn’t want to say anything awful, but I wanted for him to feel a bit of that pain and tension he had put me thru. He made my life miserable for the past five days, and I honestly believe he deserve that slap for abusing my kindness and breaking that trust.
I am deeply saddened and hurt… As it took us twenty three years to build this wonderful relationship. Only to be shattered by his inaccountability and thoughtless actions. How I wish it was that easy to put these all behind me, but what he did was detrimental. That left me all confused and tormented. I gave him a hundred percent of my love, trust and respect. And what do I get in return? Nothing short of frustration and plain insolence.
This reminds me of COCC, CAT and ROTC days. But what amazes me is how this piece of poetry keeps me motivated to persevere, and not give up on the first sign of failure. And when I’m done reading it line by line, suddenly something inside me says — fight on, fight to win!
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man.
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor’s cup.
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar.
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit,
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.