Throwbacks

I was going thru my past journals last night, reading what I wrote on certain memorable occassions in my life. It’s amazing how the words flowed so easily, the creativity flows without a hitch. And here I am, right this very moment, in silence – clueless.

So while I wake the sleeping writing giant in me, allow me to share some entries from my journal.

At 35, I wrote:

Aging has brought a lot of gifts and surprises, that I am most thankful for. This year, on my 35th year. Has been all about love and acceptance. I’ve learned to let go of a lot of things – anger, pain, regrets, frustrations; for there’s truly nothing to gain holding on to negativity. Then I’ve come to terms with “singularity.” It may not be the ideal situation for others, but it works well for me. Besides, being single does not necessarily mean lonely. And I absolutely love myself more now than when I was in my 20′s. I may not be as pretty, given I have more lines, spots on my face with some hints of gray hair. But I’m confident, sublime and should I say, much desired. Hahaha!

Turning 36, I said:

Another year has come and gone, and I couldn’t be more grateful. Thirty six wonderful years (with a few bump here and there) spent in love and unanimity. Living in the moment, breathing, in high spirits with my inner self, while in pursuit for answers to my ever curious psyche. It’s great to be my age, and it only gets better from here. Happy Birthday, ME!

Getting over a break up, 2015:

Heartbreak is like a shadow that followed me all through out my life. However painful, however dark – I always walk out victorious. Wounded yet undestroyed, weary but pursuing. And there’s no BIG secret to my fortitude. It has always been and nothing but LOVE. I never gave up on it, and I never will. 

Turning 37:

Not a lot of people can tell themselves these words, but I wholeheartedly can – for I truly love the person I am now. I don’t think of myself as righteous, but I am a good person. Sensible, with no requisite for anyone’s validation but myself and my God. I am comfortable in my own skin, and that is that! Gay, solitary, bitter, stringent, temperamental, devoted, somber – I’ve heard it all and it’s okay. That is all part of who I am, but that does not define my entirety. More often misunderstood, but even that does that bother me. More than happiness, the goal is to get comfortable for who we truly are. Took me thirty seven years to get here, and it’s the BEST gift I’ve given myself thus far. Happy Birthday, ME!

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Happy Place

As I was driving home thursday night, I asked myself – what’s a happy place for me? And there’s only one that came to mind – the farmers market. So yesterday, with two canvas bags in tote and a hundred dollar note. I took the ferry ride to the city, shopped till I ran out of cash, dranked the best cheap coffee in town, sampled the freshest produce, had half a dozen of Kumamoto oysters, gobbled down two scrumptious samosas, and had the best tasting Porchetta sandwich (with extra crispy pork skin for some crunch.) That was so much fun, didn’t even realize the day’s almost over. Later that day, I wrote a note to myself on my cork board – I should do this more often!

It’s Not Easy

I’ve wanted this to happen & have rehearsed the lines over & over in my head. And here we are at arms reach, standing in the same line at the grocery store, giving each other a glimpse, a smile. Yet the words won’t come out!

Too Busy To Blog

3959853477_7dc619634cI could not my beleive my eyes when I saw my last blog update, July 19th. I said, what? What the hell just happened? Did somebody just pushed the fast forward button? Wow, that’s a lot of time! And how exactly busy was I, that I was unable to make not even a short blog entry.

Truth is, it’s been hectic! If only I could stretch the day to get an extra hour, I would. And I’m sure you guys have been wondering what I’ve been doing with my life this past couple months. I could pretty much sum it in three words – work, school and no play. Oh wait, that was five. Hahaha!

Work. There’s been some changes in the office lately. I decided to cut down on my work hours to accomodate school. And yet, I  got promoted. No fancy titles, but I got raise. Not bad, right? We all know that with a promotion comes more responsibility. Four employees were put under my supervision, and most of my time was spent doing training. This would be one of those times when I would say – small is better! Less stress, but more time to effectively mentor people. Not a bad trade, if you don’t mind me saying. And so, with four people under my care. I was able to successfully train great employees. They’re one of the best working team, I have ever came up with. They’re so good, that they can pretty much snag my job. Hahahah!

School.  You red it right, I am a working student. I am back to school earning my second degree, B.S.  Nursing. I don’t know what I got myself into, except that the people around me are saying that I’ll do a great job as a nurse. I guess, we’ll find that out soon. And if things goes well, I graduate next year and probably resume my graduate studies. Golly, I hope I get a life after all these academic stuff I am and will be doing!

No play. Pretty obvious, I have no life – except for work and school. Doesn’t take a genius to figure that out, right? Hopefully, all the sacrifices I’m doing at the moment would eventually pay off. It’s bad enough that I don’t have a social life cause of the stuff I’m into. So the future better have some surprises enstore for me. Hahaha!

Cheap Thrill

I want to live like it is the end,
The sun on my face,
Water on my finger tips,
While the waves run through my feet,
To sing with joy and delight as I walk,
To enjoy the fresh mountain air,
Holding the hand of the one I love,
Because such enchantment doesn’t cost a thing.

alubijid

Three’s a Charm

pcI shouldn’t have sent Leon that email. It should have ended with that thing, and all the endless questions in my head. But then again, I needed to know where I stand. What are we really?

An hour after sending my email, I heard an alert on my Blackberry phone – he has responded. And so I opened my inbox, red his message word for word. To my surprise and not knowing why, I got teary eyed. He said:

I screwed up, and I admit it. That’s why I never questioned you, the day you decided to leave me. It’s been tough, months of silence and living in guilt. Getting up the next day, and what for? But nothing. Yes, I am nothing without you, my love. What’s left of me was a box full of nothing. A body without a soul, an artist who has lost it’s muse. And everyday (not having you with me) is a constant reminder of my mistakes, of my despicable behaviour. A realization that life without you by my side , is a death sentence. 

Yes, you are strong and I am the weak one. You are capable of moving on, and I can’t (and I won’t.) No would mean the end of me. You’ve won, you’ve made your point.  Now could we leave these all behind us and please come back, love. I beg of you!

Guess the question now is — am I ready? Could I fall for the same guy the third time…

Ten Seconds

akissA quick hello and a kiss that last a lifetime. He is messing with my head again, and along with it – he’s also meddling with my feelings. What was that all about? I thought it was done and over with. I thought we’ll move on and continue to be friends.

But why did you kiss me? Couldn’t it have ended with just hello and then goodbye. Why the kiss on the lips, and not a peck on the cheek? Why were we both breathing heavily? As if you took the air out of my body,  then blew life back into me. Why Leon?

Now, you’ve lit the fire in me. And I can’t find it in my heart to kill that warmth, for it feels good. But I have to restrain myself. I couldn’t trust myself when I’m with you. I know, I couldn’t run away fast enough when I pull off that string of repression. I simply can’t!

That ten second kiss,  it was but a moment in time. But it  brought the dead into life…