What’s The Matter

I don’t usually pay that much attention to myself. But since a friend brought it up over lunch,  one time – on how angry and temperamental I’ve been lately. I started listening to myself speak and observing how I would react to certain things, and it’s true. I have turned into a virulent and rude person. Even I am horrified at myself and my indecorous ways!

I absolutely have no idea what made me into this awful being. And I am in no way proud of my behavior, and I won’t make any excuses for it. There is a reason or probably plenty of reasons why I am the way I am now. And  I tried to heal myself – made a list, trial and error, regression, solitude, yoga, group therapy and self help books. I did what I can and I gave it my best, but it didn’t work. I am desperate for help, and certain things have to be done soon before this consumes me. I think it’s time for the professionals to step in.

Age Old Wisdom

” In your 20’s, you think you own the world and know everything. Then you’re in your 30’s, you stumbled, hit yourself hard on concrete and eventually discovered – you don’t know crap, you don’t know shit! “

Wimpy

Is this some kind of sick  joke? That soon after posting yesterdays entry, my phone rang. And guess who it was? Funny, how I’ve been expecting this call. I have long rehearse the lines to say to him, express the pain and wrath I have long kept inside. And here’s the phone in my hand, I only have to press the talk button and suddenly I chickened out. So mad at myself, why am I such a wimp when it comes to him?

I’m Okay

I asked myself this question over and over again. Am I ready? Do I have what it takes to love or at the very least, trust someone all over again? While it’s been months since he walked out on me – I still find myself hurt by the thought, that someone I deeply and honestly trust. Just one day decided, without a hint nor any indication – to leave and dropped everything we have, just like that!  

And then I had to pick up what’s left of myself and move on. It’s a long process – going thru pain, finding ways to numb yourself, asking all sorts of questions, seeking for answers, finding yourself in dead ends, making peace, and then eventually embracing the truth. That he’s ( a scum bug and) never coming back!

Part of me is hoping for an explanation. But clearly, it’s never going to happen. Losers don’t have any answers, only excuses. And while they say that failed marriages (not that we’re married), produces scorned people and losers. I have to say, that it’s a lie! I wouldn’t  dare declare myself a winner, but I refuse to accept that I lost. He ran away, and I stayed. Plus, I made it thru just fine – that has got to mean something!

A Passing Thought

I have always thought that when a guy falls for another guy. Both parties would be called gay lovers or a couple engaged in a gay relationship. Either that or the other guy is a hustler, call boy or a paid escort. But then, what do we call straight guys fooling around with gay men? Non stop flirting, constant eye contacts and inappropriate touchy conversations. I’m guessing, confused!

Gay Manga aka Yaoi