Oh Well

He claims he did me wrong. But I have yet to hear the words – I’m sorry. Guess, he never heard of the word humility?

Another Note To Self

Learn to accept people, without passing any judgment!

What’s The Matter

I don’t usually pay that much attention to myself. But since a friend brought it up over lunch,  one time – on how angry and temperamental I’ve been lately. I started listening to myself speak and observing how I would react to certain things, and it’s true. I have turned into a virulent and rude person. Even I am horrified at myself and my indecorous ways!

I absolutely have no idea what made me into this awful being. And I am in no way proud of my behavior, and I won’t make any excuses for it. There is a reason or probably plenty of reasons why I am the way I am now. And  I tried to heal myself – made a list, trial and error, regression, solitude, yoga, group therapy and self help books. I did what I can and I gave it my best, but it didn’t work. I am desperate for help, and certain things have to be done soon before this consumes me. I think it’s time for the professionals to step in.

Age Old Wisdom

” In your 20’s, you think you own the world and know everything. Then you’re in your 30’s, you stumbled, hit yourself hard on concrete and eventually discovered – you don’t know crap, you don’t know shit! “

Wimpy

Is this some kind of sick  joke? That soon after posting yesterdays entry, my phone rang. And guess who it was? Funny, how I’ve been expecting this call. I have long rehearse the lines to say to him, express the pain and wrath I have long kept inside. And here’s the phone in my hand, I only have to press the talk button and suddenly I chickened out. So mad at myself, why am I such a wimp when it comes to him?

I’m Okay

I asked myself this question over and over again. Am I ready? Do I have what it takes to love or at the very least, trust someone all over again? While it’s been months since he walked out on me – I still find myself hurt by the thought, that someone I deeply and honestly trust. Just one day decided, without a hint nor any indication – to leave and dropped everything we have, just like that!  

And then I had to pick up what’s left of myself and move on. It’s a long process – going thru pain, finding ways to numb yourself, asking all sorts of questions, seeking for answers, finding yourself in dead ends, making peace, and then eventually embracing the truth. That he’s ( a scum bug and) never coming back!

Part of me is hoping for an explanation. But clearly, it’s never going to happen. Losers don’t have any answers, only excuses. And while they say that failed marriages (not that we’re married), produces scorned people and losers. I have to say, that it’s a lie! I wouldn’t  dare declare myself a winner, but I refuse to accept that I lost. He ran away, and I stayed. Plus, I made it thru just fine – that has got to mean something!

A Passing Thought

I have always thought that when a guy falls for another guy. Both parties would be called gay lovers or a couple engaged in a gay relationship. Either that or the other guy is a hustler, call boy or a paid escort. But then, what do we call straight guys fooling around with gay men? Non stop flirting, constant eye contacts and inappropriate touchy conversations. I’m guessing, confused!

Stuck Up

I’ve been called so many names, both good and bad. But this is the first time I’ve been addressed as a stuck up. And don’t you guys worry, I ain’t gonna cry about it. I’m actually laughing it all out. Simply because I know who I really am, and that I am not easily threatened by people calling me names. Besides, I’ve heard worst. Hahaha!

It started with a request or should I say an emotional blackmail. I was asked to child sit, yet again next week end. But then, I’ve already made plans for the coming Saturday. It’s our last week end before we fly to Manila for our holiday vacation. And I think I have every right to do my last minute errands. So, I was quick to tell them no. Told them of my plans for that day and said that Sunday would be better for me. I was so willing to compromise, even for a later time. But what  I got in return were unpleasant remarks, that I’m selfish and disagreeable.

Well quite obviously, I answered back and defended myself from such accusations. Most people would know, that I’m not one to withdraw in any fight. So if it’s verbal brawling they want, then that’s what they’ll get. It was a good five minutes of argument, until the word stuck up was said. And I blurt out a sarcastic laugh. I feel like yelling, WTF!

I hate to say this, but looks like I’m arguing with a dumb dumb. What does the word stuck up had to do with any of these? I would understand if they’d say that I am self centered, lazy or materialistic. But to call me a stuck up? He must have been high on meth, for him to say something stupid like that. Last I checked in the urban dictionary, the word stuck up pertains to a person who thinks they’re better than everyone else, except within their clique of friends.

And, do I think of myself any better than others? Well, the answer is hell no! How could I even think that, when I’m down right poor and unemployed. And besides, I don’t have a clique of friends who I share my stuck up moments with. I think I deserve better, and I don’t have time on my plate to mingle with airheads. And less I forget, our conversation started as a request, asking me a favor to watch over his kids. Now, it’s all starting to sound like an order or some sort of decree. Like it’s imperative that I follow. Well, screw him! Guess he forgot that I don’t take orders well.

The conversation ended when he decided to hang up and heard me call him a dick fart looney bastard. Serves him well, right? When I should have said more. And that money he was ranting about (or blackmailing me with), that he called a gift. Well, he can shoove it up his obnoxious a-hole, cause I have no use for it. I don’t want it, period.

Funny how people mistreat others just because they can’t have it there way. You do them a favor once, and suddenly your the official child sitter. People can be so darn abusive sometimes. You give them a hand, and yet they grab you by the arm. Now, who did they call selfish an disagreeable again? Hmmm, I simply rest my case…

Why NO?

My arguments real simple. If straight people have the right to marry, why can’t we? Not that I have any intentions to. But I would like that right to be there for me, should I someday have the compulsion to do so. It insults me that my rights as a human being had to be voted for by the people. How would you feel if you were in my shoes? They say – whatever happens to traditional marriage?  Well, let me tell you this…

Open you eyes and watch the world evolving. The right to marry is for everyone! The constitution ensures everyones rights, straight or gay. And if you can’t handle that and want to live the traditional way. I suggest you pack your bags and move back to the country side, where there’s no light, electricity or civilization! And enjoy your dose of traditional living.

Say no to discrimination!

Talking To My Man

I haven’t been feeling well since the other day. It started with muscle pain, then fever, followed by sinus infection and sore throat. It must be the weather, or some sort of bug I caught from the outside world. However, today was much better. I was able to eat more than just soup and crackers. Still have a little bit of muscle pain, fever’s gone, but still has runny nose and throat discomfort.

Then came this afternoon, when my old man came over. Checked to see how I was doing and invited me to go target shooting with him at this indoor range. I really didn’t feel like it at first, but I figured out that I needed to get out of the house. Maybe some fresh air would do me good.

So here we are driving down to South San Francisco, when Dad suddenly interrupt our silence. “You seem very quiet today, something wrong with your tongue? Did you bit on it?” Dad asked. Maybe I was too focused on driving, or wasn’t feeling like my jolly, talkative self. “I’m sorry, Dad. You want us to talk about something?” I said to him.

“Not really, just not use to your silence” Dad said, without even looking at me. “Well, maybe you can tell me about your masters. You doing okay with your class?” He asked. “Everything’s cool, I’m good and you got my email concerning my grades last semester, right?” I said in reply. And then he nodded to confirm that he got my message.

Five minutes has passed and then he said, “Yup, that was impressive! I’m sure your Lola, your aunts and cousins would be thrilled to hear the good news.” I was confuse what Dad was trying to say, and so I asked him. “What was that, Paps?” And then he looked towards my direction and said, “I mean your grades, they’re really good. Better than your cousin Anthony, who’s taking his masters at UC Davis.” And then it hit me, I am being compared, yet again. I have to admit, Dad’s statement ruined my mood, it pissed me off!

I didn’t have the guts to answer back that very minute. I realized that this is my father I’m talking to, I had to be careful what I say. Plus, I didn’t want to be disrespectful or end up being called an ingrate. So while I was shooting my Glock 38 and hitting the target, I was also trying to compose a speech inside my head. And though I was a bit distracted, I was able to finish eight rounds and beat Dad at his game. I was twenty three points ahead of him. Not bad, right?

But then came the drive home, when I’m supposed to confront him. I was shit scared and about to pee in my pants, when he said. “Something wrong, Son?” I looked at my man and said, “Ahmm, it’s about…” I was horrified, stuttering and couldn’t finished my sentence. “Say it!” Dad said in an authoritative voice. Then, I realized this would be my chance to make a stand and share my opinion. So I stopped the car on a curb and finally said it.

“Paps, I respect you and all. But this bragging ritual of yours with auntie and uncle has to stop! It’s annoying and at the same time, insulting. It puts me and my innocent cousins in very bad and odd situations. Not to mention putting our friendship and familiarity on the line. What do we get from this? Absolutely nothing, right? And if we truly are family down to the core. Do we really need to compete against each other and see who’s on top and who’s second rate? I don’t think so. Besides, family’s supposed to stick together!”

And when I was finally done. Dad said, “Are you finished?” I looked at him and answered, “I am and I’m sorry if I’ve upset you!”  He then put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Whoever said I was upset? All I wanted to say was, cut the bullsh*t and go straight to the point. You know me, I don’t do dramas!” And then he ordered me to start the car and drive to the nearest Popeye’s Fried Chicken.

Hahahah…