It’s so easy to lose onself at work, making a living and making ends meet. But every now and then, I get to have break from all these insanity and focus on things and people that keeps me grounded to my core. I had a lunch date with my Dad earlier today, not an every day sight. So you can just feel the anticipation in the air. He’s unbelievably colloquial, spontaneous and never rans out of stories to share. I got to asked him questions; person who in the right set of mind, would not dare asked their fathers. But I did, kudos for me on that! And I got my answers, though not always favorable – it was honest. I uncovered that my father has always been receptive after all, a renaissance man: way ahead of the ideologies people may have in his generation. His views in terms of raising a family may sound semi-conventional, but he’s always been swayable to different ideas and other possibilities that may eventually occur. He even added, that he knew of me even before I came to terms with my identity. For a guy who’s made his career in the military, surrounded by testosterone loaded men, he’s done pretty good handling the situation of my oddness. True to himself, he took everything in, immersed himself in deep thoughts, weighed all his options, talked himself in and out things, to finally embracing the idea that I am uniquely an agreeable person, and that’s all that really matters. In conclusion, I found myself feeling happy and relieved. I was glad to have a chance to get to know my father better. And more at ease, now that I’m able to let go of ambiguities I’ve meaninglessly carried over from my childhood. He’s a good man, a venerable father, and we’ll leave it at that!
Sometimes when I’m enraged, I have the right to be angry. But that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
2009 marks a milestone in my life, lots of opportunities have come and gone. A career change, a step up towards scholastic endeavors, health issues, breaking away from the norm, challenging my tenacity, a second chance to love and then eventually, pain. It may not sound a lot, but given the hours in a day and my state of vulnerability – it was a handful, two handsful that is.
But then you know what they say – no pain, no gain. Choices had to be made, and consequences had to be faced heads on. There was no room for fear and uncertainties. I jump into the unknown with my eyes wide open. It took lots of guts and hard work, and maybe some sleepless nights trying to get things done for the next day – but it was all good.
The past year wasn’t perfect, not at all. 2009 has brought me tears, as well as laughter. Sunshine and some cloudy weather, love and hatred, yada yada yada. Name it, and I probably have gone thru it. But know what, I have no complains. Things happened for a reason, I may not see the benefits of it now, but I will someday. And besides, I know I’m a sturdy fart. So, I can pretty much suck it all up and laugh about my misadventures later!
A quick hello and a kiss that last a lifetime. He is messing with my head again, and along with it – he’s also meddling with my feelings. What was that all about? I thought it was done and over with. I thought we’ll move on and continue to be friends.
But why did you kiss me? Couldn’t it have ended with just hello and then goodbye. Why the kiss on the lips, and not a peck on the cheek? Why were we both breathing heavily? As if you took the air out of my body, then blew life back into me. Why Leon?
Now, you’ve lit the fire in me. And I can’t find it in my heart to kill that warmth, for it feels good. But I have to restrain myself. I couldn’t trust myself when I’m with you. I know, I couldn’t run away fast enough when I pull off that string of repression. I simply can’t!
That ten second kiss, it was but a moment in time. But it brought the dead into life…
It’s Fathers Day today, and unfortunately Dad had to bail out on us. He happens to have a private date, and we understand. But I’d like to say a few words to my old wise man. He may not be the most eloquent father, but I love him just that way. So here’s a shout out for my Paps!
Dad, thank you. Thanks for giving me a chance to live, and giving me the space to grow in my own terms. Thanks for loving me unconditionally. You may not say the words, but I feel it every minute of my life. Thanks for being my man of strength, for defending me againts all harms. For being my man of truth, making me accept the person that I am. For being my man of wisdom, letting me know to embrace my own uniqueness. For it is what makes me – ME. And I may not say it often, but I do love you. It’s just that we have our own different ways of expressing it. Happy Fathers Day!
My mentor once told me, that life is like a play. That each person has a role to portray in this broadway show called, LIFE. And it doesn’t matter if we got the lead role, a supporting character or an extra. A role is a role, and each character, no matter how grand or small, is important to get the story and message through. What does matter, is if we give it our best?