I was trying to find humor, in what feels like the end – but I couldn’t. Hours of waiting, and judgment day has started. You stand at the foot of the altar, and I look at you teary eyed six rows away. You looked at me one time, and turned your head down. That look was your goodbye. I was inconsolable! In the midst of everyone’s happiness, I was the only one feeling pain and sadness. My tears were thought to be a sign of happiness. If only they knew…
-July 19, 1998-
I want to live like it is the end,
The sun on my face,
Water on my finger tips,
While the waves run through my feet,
To sing with joy and delight as I walk,
To enjoy the fresh mountain air,
Holding the hand of the one I love,
Because such enchantment doesn’t cost a thing.
Yes, the tides has changed once again. One day, Mom is feeling wonderfully well and then now, she’s not. Truly, our family’s battle with breast cancer has been one hell of a ride. Not to mention the anxiety and emotional torture. But however exhausted, we promise never to give up. There are things in life that I have no problem letting go, just not this one. It’s totally out of the question!
I shouldn’t have sent Leon that email. It should have ended with that thing, and all the endless questions in my head. But then again, I needed to know where I stand. What are we really?
An hour after sending my email, I heard an alert on my Blackberry phone – he has responded. And so I opened my inbox, red his message word for word. To my surprise and not knowing why, I got teary eyed. He said:
I screwed up, and I admit it. That’s why I never questioned you, the day you decided to leave me. It’s been tough, months of silence and living in guilt. Getting up the next day, and what for? But nothing. Yes, I am nothing without you, my love. What’s left of me was a box full of nothing. A body without a soul, an artist who has lost it’s muse. And everyday (not having you with me) is a constant reminder of my mistakes, of my despicable behaviour. A realization that life without you by my side , is a death sentence.
Yes, you are strong and I am the weak one. You are capable of moving on, and I can’t (and I won’t.) No would mean the end of me. You’ve won, you’ve made your point. Now could we leave these all behind us and please come back, love. I beg of you!
Guess the question now is — am I ready? Could I fall for the same guy the third time…