He claims he did me wrong. But I have yet to hear the words – I’m sorry. Guess, he never heard of the word humility?
I’m in the family room watching a Nicholas Sparks inspired movie. When I saw both Mom & Dad having coffee by the dining table: talking, laughing, getting along just fine. Not a hint of what was once a messy, all-out-war separation proceedings. Guess, this is what they weirdly call – happily divorced.
I had brunch with a friend Saturday. When she asked me – “So how are you doing?” I was very eager to answer, said that I was doing fine. That I was busy trying to make both school and my job work. She replied – “So you’re in school again?” I did sense a feeling of perplexity and at the same time, distaste in her tone. But I ignored it, I really didn’t feel like arguing or explaining myself. So my reply was – “Yes, I’m back in school.” Hoping that she would leave the topic behind. And then she said – “Don’t you think you’re too old for that!” I was very surprised with her answer, and heaven knows that if I could have it my way. I would rather leave the table, pay the bill and disappear. But I couldn’t find it in myself to be impolite, so I kept my silence and tried to change the subject of our conversation. When she said – ” Really, don’t you think we’re too old for school and doing academic stuff?” She really didn’t want to leave the topic off, and that was when I decided to speak up – “No, I’m not too old for academic stuff and neither are you! And there really is no such thing as young and old when it comes to education. Besides, do we really ever stop learning? Cause if that’s the case, everybody would be stuck in the stone age! Don’t you think?” Her eyes were wide open after my reply. But she didn’t dare add fuel to the fire. Next thing we know, we were talking about love, marriage and divorce!
I am seriously mad right now! It felt like the world has conspired, to pissed the hell out of me. I am somehow ready to believe that 99% of the population is evil and down right selfish and rotten, and the remaining 1%, a bunch of virgins and martyrs who haven’t been laid or couldn’t get a freaking date!
Forgive me for being smutty. But I should have expressed my anger when I had the chance, guess I was afraid of the damage it could inflict. Rather, I locked myself inside the rest room, covered my mouth with a towel and yelled as loud as I can. It was a pathetic way of releasing my frustration, and cowardly that is. And now that I’m writing this, I feel like a schmuck. I should have bitten that bad guys head off while at work, so I wouldn’t feel like remorsing moron. A huge sigh…
People need space, and I for one needed one today. Call it weird, but I decided to cut myself off from the world we live in. I called in sick (which I am – flu bug and all), unplugged the home phone, turned off my cellphone, took some meds and red a book till I fell asleep. For a couple hours, I was able to focus on myself. No work to think of, no phone calls, a little time away from the family – just time for me and the things I like doing on my own. And surprisingly, it felt good. I enjoyed it immensely, that I wanted to do it all over again…
I decided to finally answer the phone. I thought a week of silence is enough torture for him. It was immature, but what can I do? This is how I handle things. I guess he was suprised when I finally said hello. He even asked, is this Nell? I laughed and he finally found out he had the right person all along. Hahaha!
Surprisingly, the conversation was mellow. No one dared to raise our voice, we were finally talking like adults should. He asked me questions, and I answered. I asked mine, and I begged him to tell me the truth. Which he eventually did.
In closing, I thanked him for his honesty. I knew it was too much for him, yet he did. And I appreciate him more, for owning up his lies and mistakes. Both of us have our own set of misbehaviour, if you know what I mean.
Things may not have turned out like we expected. But we handled things well, I think. And it feels good to close one chapter without ripping any pages. What we had was a dream turned nightmare. We thought it was a good idea to rekindle the flame. But that flame, eventually burned both of us. We made the rules, and broke it many times. It was too good to be true! With our past haunting us to this day, it was impossible to make things work. We tried, and we failed. And from that, we picked up the pieces. We gave each other a hug and we moved on!
It was a mutual thing, we both needed to heal. And come to think of it, going our separate ways was the best decision we have made…
I have always thought that when a guy falls for another guy. Both parties would be called gay lovers or a couple engaged in a gay relationship. Either that or the other guy is a hustler, call boy or a paid escort. But then, what do we call straight guys fooling around with gay men? Non stop flirting, constant eye contacts and inappropriate touchy conversations. I’m guessing, confused!