I am suffering. It is as simple as that.
Pain got me here. Down on my knees, on the ground. Typing my sorrows into words.
I am writing, for it’s the only way I know how to numb the feeling of such emptiness. The room’s filled with people, of things, of loudness. Yet I am consumed in nothing, but nothingness.
I’ve cried, meditate and prayed. But the depth of this pain is deeper that I could imagine, that I can fully grasp or reach.
I am way passed recognition, over my head figuring out the cause. It’s useless, and I am tired.
Sadly, my return to writing came at the expense of my loneliness.
And for that, I apologize.
“Tonight I can write the saddest lines
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.”
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair
Sometimes when I’m enraged, I have the right to be angry. But that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
I don’t usually pay that much attention to myself. But since a friend brought it up over lunch, one time – on how angry and temperamental I’ve been lately. I started listening to myself speak and observing how I would react to certain things, and it’s true. I have turned into a virulent and rude person. Even I am horrified at myself and my indecorous ways!
I absolutely have no idea what made me into this awful being. And I am in no way proud of my behavior, and I won’t make any excuses for it. There is a reason or probably plenty of reasons why I am the way I am now. And I tried to heal myself – made a list, trial and error, regression, solitude, yoga, group therapy and self help books. I did what I can and I gave it my best, but it didn’t work. I am desperate for help, and certain things have to be done soon before this consumes me. I think it’s time for the professionals to step in.
I asked myself this question over and over again. Am I ready? Do I have what it takes to love or at the very least, trust someone all over again? While it’s been months since he walked out on me – I still find myself hurt by the thought, that someone I deeply and honestly trust. Just one day decided, without a hint nor any indication – to leave and dropped everything we have, just like that!
And then I had to pick up what’s left of myself and move on. It’s a long process – going thru pain, finding ways to numb yourself, asking all sorts of questions, seeking for answers, finding yourself in dead ends, making peace, and then eventually embracing the truth. That he’s ( a scum bug and) never coming back!
Part of me is hoping for an explanation. But clearly, it’s never going to happen. Losers don’t have any answers, only excuses. And while they say that failed marriages (not that we’re married), produces scorned people and losers. I have to say, that it’s a lie! I wouldn’t dare declare myself a winner, but I refuse to accept that I lost. He ran away, and I stayed. Plus, I made it thru just fine – that has got to mean something!
Geeh, if I wasn’t broken hearted and all; I wouldn’t even think of checking in with my blog. But then again I am a melodramatic moron – I needed to feel something strange before I am even compelled to compose a phrase. And yes, I am broken hearted! My heart is, but not me. So don’t you guys worry, just allow me to focus all my time and energy into higher learning. And in time I will bounce back – happy and probably wiser!
I was trying to find humor, in what feels like the end – but I couldn’t. Hours of waiting, and judgment day has started. You stand at the foot of the altar, and I look at you teary eyed six rows away. You looked at me one time, and turned your head down. That look was your goodbye. I was inconsolable! In the midst of everyone’s happiness, I was the only one feeling pain and sadness. My tears were thought to be a sign of happiness. If only they knew…
-July 19, 1998-
Yes, the tides has changed once again. One day, Mom is feeling wonderfully well and then now, she’s not. Truly, our family’s battle with breast cancer has been one hell of a ride. Not to mention the anxiety and emotional torture. But however exhausted, we promise never to give up. There are things in life that I have no problem letting go, just not this one. It’s totally out of the question!