Is this some kind of sick joke? That soon after posting yesterdays entry, my phone rang. And guess who it was? Funny, how I’ve been expecting this call. I have long rehearse the lines to say to him, express the pain and wrath I have long kept inside. And here’s the phone in my hand, I only have to press the talk button and suddenly I chickened out. So mad at myself, why am I such a wimp when it comes to him?
I asked myself this question over and over again. Am I ready? Do I have what it takes to love or at the very least, trust someone all over again? While it’s been months since he walked out on me – I still find myself hurt by the thought, that someone I deeply and honestly trust. Just one day decided, without a hint nor any indication – to leave and dropped everything we have, just like that!
And then I had to pick up what’s left of myself and move on. It’s a long process – going thru pain, finding ways to numb yourself, asking all sorts of questions, seeking for answers, finding yourself in dead ends, making peace, and then eventually embracing the truth. That he’s ( a scum bug and) never coming back!
Part of me is hoping for an explanation. But clearly, it’s never going to happen. Losers don’t have any answers, only excuses. And while they say that failed marriages (not that we’re married), produces scorned people and losers. I have to say, that it’s a lie! I wouldn’t dare declare myself a winner, but I refuse to accept that I lost. He ran away, and I stayed. Plus, I made it thru just fine – that has got to mean something!