Throwbacks

I was going thru my past journals last night, reading what I wrote on certain memorable occassions in my life. It’s amazing how the words flowed so easily, the creativity flows without a hitch. And here I am, right this very moment, in silence – clueless.

So while I wake the sleeping writing giant in me, allow me to share some entries from my journal.

At 35, I wrote:

Aging has brought a lot of gifts and surprises, that I am most thankful for. This year, on my 35th year. Has been all about love and acceptance. I’ve learned to let go of a lot of things – anger, pain, regrets, frustrations; for there’s truly nothing to gain holding on to negativity. Then I’ve come to terms with “singularity.” It may not be the ideal situation for others, but it works well for me. Besides, being single does not necessarily mean lonely. And I absolutely love myself more now than when I was in my 20′s. I may not be as pretty, given I have more lines, spots on my face with some hints of gray hair. But I’m confident, sublime and should I say, much desired. Hahaha!

Turning 36, I said:

Another year has come and gone, and I couldn’t be more grateful. Thirty six wonderful years (with a few bump here and there) spent in love and unanimity. Living in the moment, breathing, in high spirits with my inner self, while in pursuit for answers to my ever curious psyche. It’s great to be my age, and it only gets better from here. Happy Birthday, ME!

Getting over a break up, 2015:

Heartbreak is like a shadow that followed me all through out my life. However painful, however dark – I always walk out victorious. Wounded yet undestroyed, weary but pursuing. And there’s no BIG secret to my fortitude. It has always been and nothing but LOVE. I never gave up on it, and I never will. 

Turning 37:

Not a lot of people can tell themselves these words, but I wholeheartedly can – for I truly love the person I am now. I don’t think of myself as righteous, but I am a good person. Sensible, with no requisite for anyone’s validation but myself and my God. I am comfortable in my own skin, and that is that! Gay, solitary, bitter, stringent, temperamental, devoted, somber – I’ve heard it all and it’s okay. That is all part of who I am, but that does not define my entirety. More often misunderstood, but even that does that bother me. More than happiness, the goal is to get comfortable for who we truly are. Took me thirty seven years to get here, and it’s the BEST gift I’ve given myself thus far. Happy Birthday, ME!

Turning 32

I caught myself staring at the mirror. Lines, spots, started showing on my face. And gray hair, there’s no denying. It’s there, visible even to the blind. Indeed, age has finally embraced me. And unlike others, I intend to cradle it in my arms. Yes, I am 32! And that is no way old, maybe a tad mature. Besides, aging is but a small price to pay for my new found wisdom and inner peace. I absolutely love myself more now than when I was in my 20’s. I may not be as pretty, but I sure am much sublime or should I say desired. Hahaha! Turning 32, is a gift I am most thankful for. This so called new leaf has brought me to a state of pure delight and utmost  happiness. It made me realize, that what I needed – was beside me and inside me all along!

Love Is…

It’s mid afternoon and everybody’s busy preparing tonights Thanksgiving meal in the kitchen. Honestly, it was starting to get a bit crowded in our mid-size kitchen. And then it hit me! 

Dad is by sink washing the dishes, Mom was by the pantry looking for some Mang Tomas lechon sauce, my Sister by the stove glazing the ham, my Brothers and in-laws sitting in front of counter table sampling the food.  And my nephews and niece in the family room doing the thing they do best – watching TV and video games.

Wow, the whole family’s here! And however sad I am trying to put myself together. How can I be unhappy? I am surrounded by love, and that is all the blessing I need!

The Wedding

I was trying to find humor, in what feels like the end – but I couldn’t. Hours of waiting, and judgment day has started. You stand at the foot of the altar, and I look at you teary eyed six rows away. You looked at me one time, and turned your head down. That look was your goodbye. I was inconsolable! In the midst of everyone’s happiness, I was the only one feeling pain and sadness. My tears were thought to be a sign of happiness. If only they knew…

-July 19, 1998-

ring

Happy Holidays

Hustle and bustle and hurry and run
looking for gifts that bring so much fun.
A visit to Santa we also must make
because of our children for all of our sakes.

The food preparations must get underway
like cookies and candies for our special day.
Gifts must be wrapped and bows must be ties
and trees must be trimmed and lights hung outside.

Cards must be bought and then must be signed
And addresses and mailed to reach friends on time.
The kids must be bathed and tucked into bed,
where they will wait to hear Santa’s sled.

But when morning comes midst all the squeals,
faces depicting what our children feel;
it makes all the hustle and hurry and run
so very worthwhile for these little ones.

Now let’s remember the child in our lives
given to us when God’s son arrived
to teach is to love each other and then
to die on the cross to save us from sin.

Hope you all  had a great Christmas!


Snow White Mountains