Disheartened, But Optimistic

I thought this was all in the past. That I wouldn’t have to experience depression ever again. You see, it’s been months since my doctor took me off medication. Claiming that I’m well and don’t have any need for it. And I was happy, very happy when I heard the news. Since, I hated the feeling of being dependent to anyone or anything. Being off those meds was one of those things that made me smile. Gave me the freedom and the feeling that I am normal, just like the rest of the world.

And now, I am feeling abnormal again. What used to be something happy, would turn gloomy all of a sudden. What was filled with life, now seems pale and faint. And it freaks me out, for I have no control over these things. I couldn’t tell my head to stop, there isn’t any pause or power off button I could push.

I am trying, giving it my best. Telling myself to look at the bright side of things. Staying positive and doing the things that use to make me happy or at least, things that interests me. I’ve been reading a lot, focusing on studies, keeping myself busy with chores, watchings one movie after another, taking photos, plurking, knitting that scarf for my sister, and even doing a little gardening. But after a series of attempts, I found myself back at square one again. And it sucks!

I wouldn’t want to spill any more details about my condition. I am going thru depression again, and that is it. And I ain’t suicidal, let me just clarify that.  So don’t you guys worry, I will be fine. I already called my doctor and an appointment was set for me this Monday. The advice nurse said it’s nothing urgent, that I should be fine till then. Not unless I go ballistic, then I should call 911. Hahaha!

I must say that writing this down, made me feel better. I don’t know who else could find humor in such an awful state of being. I guess, it’s only me. I am simply trying to keep myself sane, and not get into any more trouble. I’ve been keeping my mouth shut as well, afraid that I may say things I’d later regret. And so I’m learning how to distinguish bluntness from mockery. Something I have a hard time doing.

I also realized that my writing has no direction or whatsover, it is preposterous. Don’t you think? So before I ridicule myself more, I’d like to shut up now. Relax my restless hands, close my eyes, pray and find me that balance and inner peace… again.

Marin Headlands Cliffside

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11 comments

  1. Loren · October 9, 2008

    Hope this phase passes away soon, Nell. ((hugs))

  2. carol bustos-santiago · October 9, 2008

    *hug*

    hope you feel better soon. it’s the fall..i told you i think fall is depressing..hehe 😀 just trying to make you smile 😀

  3. Weng · October 9, 2008

    awww, nell. if writing makes you feel better, maybe you should set aside a few minutes a day to write, on your journal or here on your blog. i hope you feel better really soon. your best days are on their way to you! hugs and kisses to you, nell! mmmwah!

  4. sardonicnell · October 9, 2008

    thank you, LOREN. i am optimistic, that this is just another phase of life that will eventually come to past. thanks for that big warm hug 😀

    i am feeling much better today, CAROL. thanks to good friends (like you) and our every supportive family. indeed, the fall season is making my moods swing 😉

    thanks for all the hugs and kisses, WENG. that made a lot difference in me, setting my mood from depressing to having a bright smile on my face. this writing did make me feel better, i’ll take your advice and write some more 🙂

  5. iris · October 10, 2008

    naisip ko lang nell, we wouldn’t be normal if we didn’t feel these extreme emotions sometimes. if we didn’t we’d be dead i guess. 😀 kidding aside, like i said, this too shall pass. that’s the only thing that i’m holding on to as well these days. *hawak kamay* hehe.

  6. Leap of Faith! · October 11, 2008

    Nell, I’m sure things will become better for you. Just take it easy, relax and don’t let yourself be bothered by so many things. I also second Weng. Keep on blogging so you have an outlet.

    Ingat.

  7. sardonicnell · October 12, 2008

    thank you, KEITH & IRIS. i know this depression will eventually go away. and tama kayo, it’s all part of being human. we need adversities from time to time to test our strength and our faith.

    thanks for all the love and concern, i am better now and it’s all because of the love from friends and family. mwaaah 😀

  8. bw · October 12, 2008

    It’s always better to surround yourself with your loved ones, the people who love you bro and stay away from those who make you feel depressed. I’m sure you’ll be okay. Just don’t forget to pray 🙂

  9. sardonicnell · October 12, 2008

    thank you, BW. i’m feeling much better than i was when i wrote this entry. thank heavens to friends and family, who tried to give me a boost to stay optimistic. thank you for your kind concern, my friend 😀

  10. Meeya · October 22, 2008

    this too shall pass. my warmest, most comforting hugs to you nell! *muah*

  11. sardonicnell · October 22, 2008

    thank you, kapatid. as you can see, i’m all better now. thanks to wonderful family and good friends like you. mwaaaah 😉

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