I thought this was all in the past. That I wouldn’t have to experience depression ever again. You see, it’s been months since my doctor took me off medication. Claiming that I’m well and don’t have any need for it. And I was happy, very happy when I heard the news. Since, I hated the feeling of being dependent to anyone or anything. Being off those meds was one of those things that made me smile. Gave me the freedom and the feeling that I am normal, just like the rest of the world.
And now, I am feeling abnormal again. What used to be something happy, would turn gloomy all of a sudden. What was filled with life, now seems pale and faint. And it freaks me out, for I have no control over these things. I couldn’t tell my head to stop, there isn’t any pause or power off button I could push.
I am trying, giving it my best. Telling myself to look at the bright side of things. Staying positive and doing the things that use to make me happy or at least, things that interests me. I’ve been reading a lot, focusing on studies, keeping myself busy with chores, watchings one movie after another, taking photos, plurking, knitting that scarf for my sister, and even doing a little gardening. But after a series of attempts, I found myself back at square one again. And it sucks!
I wouldn’t want to spill any more details about my condition. I am going thru depression again, and that is it. And I ain’t suicidal, let me just clarify that. So don’t you guys worry, I will be fine. I already called my doctor and an appointment was set for me this Monday. The advice nurse said it’s nothing urgent, that I should be fine till then. Not unless I go ballistic, then I should call 911. Hahaha!
I must say that writing this down, made me feel better. I don’t know who else could find humor in such an awful state of being. I guess, it’s only me. I am simply trying to keep myself sane, and not get into any more trouble. I’ve been keeping my mouth shut as well, afraid that I may say things I’d later regret. And so I’m learning how to distinguish bluntness from mockery. Something I have a hard time doing.
I also realized that my writing has no direction or whatsover, it is preposterous. Don’t you think? So before I ridicule myself more, I’d like to shut up now. Relax my restless hands, close my eyes, pray and find me that balance and inner peace… again.