Not Your Typical Friend

Got a phone call from a friend today, said he wanted to talk to me in private. I figured out our house isn’t open to the general public. Therefore, it’s private enough and I invited him to come over. A half hour later, he was outside ringing our door bell.

I was very suprise to see him in bad shape, he looks absolutely wasted. If I hadn’t known him for years, I would say he’s on drugs or something. He wasn’t his jolly self, as well. Whenever, I had the chance to see him. He’s always been cheerful and in a joking mode. But today, he looks almost lifeless.

And so, I asked him to have a sit in the family room. Then, I went to the kitchen to grab us something to drink and munch on. And when I got back, he said to me. “Nell, I need your help. I think I’m having some identity problem.” Hmmm, and I was quick to asked him. “You mean if you’re gay or straight?” And his eyes widened when he said, “How do you know that?” I think I raised my eyebrows involuntarily, cause the next thing you know he told me not to stare and raise my eyebrows again. Believe me, I have no control over these things. I mean staring at people suspiciously, raising my eyebrows or biting the side of my inner lips. I was like that, since I can remember.

There was a moment of silence, while I tried to put the words together in my head. When my friend repeated the question, “How do you know that, Nell?” After hearing that, I decided to just be brutally honest. “You are gay! Are you still confuse about that part?” And then I realize, based on his facial expression. That he’s still baffled about this whole gay thing.

“I just know! First time I saw you at Asia SF, I knew you were queer…” I said to him. My friend was shocked in disbelief, “Am I that obvious?” I didn’t answer his question. Instead of saying something, I just nodded my head. And he cried like a child after. “Oh golly, what did I just do?” I said to myself. 

I couldn’t just let my friend cry a river, and use his shirt to wipe his tears. And so, I ran to the bathroom and grabbed a box of Kleenex. I handed it to him, and gave him a big hug. Minutes later, he decided to stop crying and we started talking again.

“But I don’t want to be gay?” He said. I didn’t expect him to say that, and I kind of felt disgust in his words. Which got me a bit carried away, when I said “Then why the hell were you hanging out with drag queens, trannies and GAY people like me? Don’t tell me you’re just curious? That is so cliche…” Guess, I was able to wake his senses and he started saying he’s sorry.

“Look, I don’t what you’re on or what you’ve been taking all these years. But whatever it is, you better stop; cause it’s not doing you any good. Let’s say, didn’t want to be gay. But guess what, the signs are right there before you. Kicking you in the balls, so do speak. Okay, you’re no homo. Then what’s all that lip to lip action you do with that male bartender last year? The flirting you do with numerous gay masseuse? Or that happy expression on your face, when you saw your first guy go-go dancer? Must be just a coincedence? Or better yet, a late 30’s identity crisis, right?” I said to him in rage.

My friend was pinned down on his sit with a dumbfound look on his face. He was quiet for a while, and somehow I expected that. The words I said were not exactly edible, it takes a real queer to take all those in. Soon enough, he got up and was heading towards the door. When I asked him to stop and grab him by the arm.

“Forgive me, if I was rude to you earlier. But then again, I wasn’t sorry that I said it. Cause I know you need to hear it one way or another. I don’t think you’re confuse, not a bit. But boy are you in so much denial, so much that it deters you from seeing who you are and what a wonderful person you’ve become. And you do not need me to say that, cause you are beautiful inside and out.” I said while giving him a hug.

“Acceptance, self acceptance. That is all you need, my friend. Just accept who you really are, and inner peace will soon follow. From there, everything else will fall into place. And you won’t look like crap, like you so today.” And then we started laughing…

Words In My Head

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10 comments

  1. Loren · September 23, 2008

    A very sound advice, Nell.

  2. Meeya · September 23, 2008

    i hope you didn’t take it personally when your friend said that he didn’t want to be gay, ok? i’m sure it was not a personal affront. i think it’s just his way of dealing with how to accept his identity. not a lot of people are as open as you in accepting your true self so you’re one of the swerte ones. 🙂 there are others, though, who fear accepting the truth about themselves because, alam mo naman na even in this day and age, there are still some issues that surround gay-ness, which is nakakatakot to people who find themselves leaning towards that reality. baby steps for your friend, he’ll get there eventually. 🙂

    pero i also love how you laid it down straight to him, at least nagkaroon ng sense ang utak niya about his denials at sana naman e maligo na siya para di naman magmukhang busabos. 🙂 kung baga, there’s life after the straight life. 😀

    the thing to do now, i guess, would be to support him and be his friend in his journey of acceptance. i know you can do that, you’re a great friend. 🙂

    ps. i love your shirt in the pic! yung mga birds parang lilipad na derecho papuntang langit. 🙂

  3. sardonicnell · September 23, 2008

    LOREN: thank you. but somehow i felt bad, kasi i sounds kinda mean. it’s just that i wanted to open his eyes to reality. you know what i mean 😉

    MEEYA: hello sis, thanks for your kind comment. with all honesty, i didn’t took anything personally. guess, i was just mad (at first) cause he wasn’t facing his demons the way he should or kong sa tagalog pa yan eh nagbubulag-bulagan sya. but then again, in the midst of it eh i’ve come to understand that what he needed is a friend. someone who’ll make him see things, and tell him that things will just be fine once he’s accepted his queerness and walk the streets of the gaybourhood. hahahah! and glad you like the shirt, parang song ni nelly furtado — i’m like a bird… bwahaha :mrgreen:

  4. Major Tom · September 26, 2008

    reminds me of that “Dead Poets Society” scene. I bet that homosexuality becomes such an issue nowadays that we all should take cognizance of it.

  5. sardonicnell · September 29, 2008

    you are right, major tom. and it has been an issue for years, many many years. although i’m glad that our straight counterpart are starting to embrace us. there’s a few here and there, who hates us. but more people like us now than ever. thanks for your kind comment 😀

  6. Pinky · September 29, 2008

    Quite hard to accept you’re breaking the mold if you’re the type of person who is always toeing the line – guess this was where your friend was coming from… 😦 It’s good though that you were still able to reassure him of your support no matter what. Thank God for friends like you! 🙂

  7. Abaniko · September 30, 2008

    I wish your friend happiness. 🙂

  8. sardonicnell · October 6, 2008

    PINKY: hello sis, sensya ka na at ngayon lang ako nakareply sa comment mo. sa umpisa lang naman mahihirapan etong friend ko. in time, habang tumatagal eh he’ll get use to it. and the people around him will do, too. thanks so much for your kind comment. mwaaah 😀

    ABANIKO: thank you. in time, once my friend has accepted the truth behind his sexuality. eh he’ll eventually be happy 😉

  9. iris · October 10, 2008

    hanep ka nell, when you knock some sense into someone’s head. hehe. but you did good. like meeya, i think when your friend said he didn’t want to be guy it was to offend you. mahirap lang talaga to finally accept who you are.

    but all’s well that ends well. 🙂

  10. sardonicnell · October 12, 2008

    to be honest, IRIS. i think i sounded a bit harsh when i said that. but of course, my intentions were clear and all i have for this friend is love and support. as mom said, this is what they call CARINO BRUTAL. hehehe 😀

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