Of Old Love, Anger and Past Memories

I was given a Westfield shopping card by my older brother for Christmas. And so I dragged my sister with me to San Jose and shop for some work clothes yesterday. Half hour walking around, my sister pulled my sleeves. She said, “Oh my gosh, you don’t want to turn your back!” I didn’t know what she meant when she said that and so I looked behind me. And true enough, my sister was right. Darn it, I should have listened.

It was my ex-husband, the guy who once tore me into pieces. You must be asking yourself, husband? How could that be? Well, at one time in my crazy beautiful life — I did get married to this guy. So you can say I was someone’s wife for two years. But then I caught the jerk cheating on me (what’s new, right?), someone he introduced to me as a cousin. They must be so darn close! Needless to say, I filed for termination of reciprocal beneficiary relationship soon after I’ve discovered there horrific affair.

So, here he is a couple meters away from me. When I froze for a quick second, till my sister got my attention. We were about to walk away, when he saw us. I said to myself, “Oh please Lord, don’t make him see us. Don’t let him walk towards our direction.” I tried to run away, but my legs can only carry me so far. He caught us right before we could reach the escalator.

X: Hey Nell, Hey Epee! Nice to see you guys.

Epee: Hi!

Nell: I hate to be rude, but we’re in a rush here.

Ex: Please wait, this would only take a couple minutes!

Nell: This is not the right place for a conversation, Dude. Can you please “F” off!

Ex: Guess you’re still mad at me all these years. But we really need to talk. You never return my emails or my phone calls, so I’m a bit desperate.

Nell: There really is no need for this right now.

Ex: Would you please, please talk to me. Even for just a couple minutes. And I promise, I won’t bother you again.

Nell: I said, No!

Ex: Please…

Nell: Dude, what part of NO don’t you get?

I then walked away from him, tightly holding my sister hands. I was shaking and suddenly felt cold. I had to excuse myself and rush to the rest room. And as dark as I am, I looked myself in the mirror and I was pale in horror.

I was so not ready for that confrontation. It may have been years since we broke up, but base on my reaction; it looks like I haven’t completely healed. I didn’t intentionally want to be rude, but what was I supposed to tell him? I’ve come to accept the fact that he cheated and what once was a sweet relationship has gone sour. But it does not erase the fact that he tore me into pieces, shattered little pieces. Truly, I have yet to overcome this ire feeling.

Forgiveness is easy, but ignoring that painful memory is the tough part of it all…

Broken

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14 comments

  1. Meeya · January 14, 2008

    i’m currently watching ysabella (the telenobela, yeah, jologs alert) and one of the things that i found parallel to this particular experience of yours is that you can’t ever escape what hurt you in the past. and even if you’re not ready for a confrontation, it will come (and most of the time its when you least expect it).

    but, closure is the best way to end all hurts. baka he was trying to talk to you so both of you can settle your disagreements once and for all. closure yun for him and closure din for you, especially since you have a new relationship going.

    sana next time that you meet, ready ka na to talk to him so that you can move on with your life ng wala nang bad feelings in your heart. you deserve that peace. 🙂

  2. sardonicnell · January 14, 2008

    everything you said was absolutely true and no doubt “right”, meeya. and di ka nag iisa sa panonood ng ysabella, ako rin kaya noh. like ysay, hirap din akong kalimutan si albert. and i told mito, este ted pala about this whole thing. he did suggest closure as well, pero sinaktan kasi ako ng sobra nitong mokong eh.

    there’s not a doubt in my mind that i’ll be able to forgive my ex. pero ang kalimutan, medyo mahirap ng konti. i’ll give myself a bit more time to heal. kahit ako, gusto ko rin naman ng closure. pero di natin mapipilit yon, kusa lang syang darating. dba?

    thanks for the kind words, sis. you really know how to touch someone’s aching heart. naks naman! apir tayo dyan, hehehe. have a wonderful day 😀

  3. Leap of Faith! · January 14, 2008

    Nell, I hope you did not smash that mirror 🙂

    I’m sure in time you will learn to forgive and move on. That is the only way you will truly be happy. It is very hard to do but I’m sure God will give you the strength when the time is right.

  4. tulipfleurs · January 15, 2008

    Hello Nell . . . I’ve never been in that situation so I could only imagine how you must felt when you saw that “jerk” cheating on you and what just happened at the mall. (I take it you guys were at Valley Fair? OK . . got side-tracked when it comes to “shopping!) Like what Meeya said, you need to have closure no matter how much the pain. . . so next time when you see him and he wants to talk to you or vice-versa, go ahead. . . I see disappointments in life as “it was not meant to be.” Yes you did get hurt but at the end it was then you realized what kind of person he really was. Both of you have moved on and I know just by reading your blog that you too have moved on with your own life . . . for the better of it. OK . . . I charge 65.00 for 15 minutes of therapy. Just kidding Nell! Lastly, you are 100% right when it comes to being able to forgive. It’s easy to “forgive,” but it’s the pain of it. Take care, and I do feel for you! 😉

  5. sardonicnell · January 15, 2008

    thanks for your kind advice, keith. i’m also praying for that day where i’m eventually ready to face him. masakit at nakakapang-gigil lang talaga when you get to see the person that hurt you face to face. konting panahon pa, and ill be able to sit down and talk to him. for now eh i’ll try tending to that wound muna siguro. thanks again and welcome back 😀

    ps: if memory serves me right, i think i was the one who broke this window along with the face of my ex. hehehe! seriously, it wasn’t me and i wouldn’t dare hit anyone. ask me what i’ll do? i’ll bury my ex alive six feet under. hahaha! erase, erase, biro lang po yon. my evil thoughts talaga. hmmmm…

  6. sardonicnell · January 15, 2008

    hello lulu, can i pay with a credit card for your services? hahahah, at wala na kasi akong cash till payday! you’ll make a good therapist if you ask me, hehehe. and yes, we were at valley fair when i saw the “jerk.” grabe ka friend, alam mo yata lahat ng mall dito sa bay area, hah?

    kidding aside, i know im my heart that time will come when i will eventually have closure. pero di lang talaga sa ngayon. even ted suggested that i talk to my ex, pero di pa talaga ready eh. ayaw ko namang madaliin cause knowing myself, baka masasakit lang na salita ang mabitawan ko. i can really be mean and impulsive, so i might as well have a game plan for this. dba? baka instead of closure eh royal rumble pa ang mangyari, hehehe. konting panahon pa, and darating din tayo dyan. thanks again dear and have a great day 😀

  7. tulipfleurs · January 15, 2008

    Nelle . . . siempre naman when it comes to “shopping!” 🙂 At my old work place there was running joke that I knew all the shopping malls within a 100 mile radius. Anyhoo, you’ll know in your heart when the time is right for you to make “peace” with the “jerk” [:-)] and most importantly, yourself. Take care!

  8. sardonicnell · January 15, 2008

    hi lulu, are you sure that was just a laughing joke? you seem to really have a radar for malls, hehehe.

    oh dear, i’m also hoping for that day to come when i can finally say “peace be with you, moron.” hahahah! ow sorry, erase the word moron. my bad, so many evil thoughts going thru my head.

    have a good night and pleasant dreams my friend 😀

  9. banggigay · January 16, 2008

    hush hush baby. it really takes time to be healed. pro ok lan yan. take it easy. normal ka kaya ganun! 🙂

  10. Meeya · January 16, 2008

    hahaha! nakahanap ako ng kadugo!! 😀 in your case, tingin ko naman hindi ka na inlove sa albert mo di ba? you made the right decision to stick with your mito (naks!).

    as for forgiveness, wala akong masabi dun kundi – it is divine, hehe.

    as for forgetting, para sa akin lang ha, mas gusto ko nga yung hindi nakakalimot. yan kasi ang downfall ng iba, they get hurt and they eventually forget – kaya nahu-hurt ulit, di ba? i think keeping the lessons (not the negative feelings ha) of those experiences alive helps us make better decisions in the future, and therefore turns us into better persons. 🙂

  11. sardonicnell · January 16, 2008

    thanks bangge! that time eh di ko naman talaga intention na magtaray. pero makulit eh, kaya naiirritate ang beauty ko. heheheh! however, i’ll try to be nice the next time. and hopefully by then eh ok na ako. thanks again, mwaah 😀

  12. sardonicnell · January 16, 2008

    long lost sisters nga yata tayo, meeya. hehehe! makulay ang buhay natin ng dahil sa telenovela, hahaha. to be honest eh wala na talaga akong feelings for albert (ex-hubs). gigil at inis pa siguro, eh meron. be rest assured that my heart belongs to mito (ted pala). saan pa kaya ako makakahanap ng partner who knows me inside and out, who i confide everything and loves me unconditionally. oh laban ka dyan? hehehe.

    you certainly have a point about “not forgetting”, but i guess only as a reminder of our past mishaps and not some sort of pesty memory. dba? hayaan mo sis, darating din ang time when i can both forgive and free him from his guilt. have a great day 😀

  13. munchkinmommy · January 29, 2008

    nell, in the craziness of the holidays and my mom being here, i missed this entry of yours. and you’re right, you can’t force forgiveness, it will just naturally come. but i hope it doesn’t take longer than it should. 🙂

    i was at odds with “some people” for a long while because of an incident which left me badly hurt emotionally. for a long period of time, there was silence. and when we were all ready, we slowly started getting in touch again. it was awkward at first but in the end, i’d say all is well. things may not go back to the way they used to be, but i’m just so relieved to no longer harbor ill feelings towards people who were once very dear to me. 😀 may forgiveness find its way to your heart when you’re ready. 😉 mmmwah!

  14. sardonicnell · January 29, 2008

    hello weng, no worries dear. everybody’s been busy lately, hehehe. masyado lang sigurong malalim ang sugat na iniwan ng mokong na eto, gaya hanggang ngayon eh di pa ako makarecover. it’s no joke that i spent five precious years of my life with him. and then eventually tore me to pieces. freaking ouch, dba? but i know i’ll get there somehow. when i can sit down, talk to him (without yelling) and give him the peace he deserves, for both us to move on.

    thanks for your kind comment and your kind concern. hayaan mo at may awa naman din si Lord, at mapapawi din ang sugat. naks naman, hahaha! love yah lots, mwaaah 😀

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