The IT Guy

Since I was just being lazy here at home. I finally found some time to look thru my journal and do some organization. I have like a twelve volume (turning thirteen journals) set now, as I write about almost anything. Nothing in particular, just random stuff. Like that walk at the beach, that lady I saw downtown who looks like a drag queen, the perfect dinner date, the 9-11 incident, my neighbours ferocious dog or even about the damn unpredictable weather. I sometimes write the most senseless and idiotic stuff. But that’s the good thing about journals — unlike some people, they’re never judgemental. So here I was flipping thru the pages of something I wrote back in 1998, at the peak of my wild years at Castro. Reading it, I realized how shallow and desperate I once was. My entries were filled with carnal and superficial desires. Names of men I no longer recall. I remember this one poem I wrote about this guy I really liked, as in head over heels on this hombre. Then came that time I got in a relationship with him, and boy was I sickly disappointed! He wasn’t as delectable as I expected, not at all. Have you ever craved for something badly? Then when you have it in your hands, it turned out boring. That is how I felt, that I wanted to bang my head on the wall. He’s so into himself, surely an egocentric maniac. Here’s that poem, written December 12, 1998.

My desires of romance has gone,

Blown by the wind to never ever,

Now that he’s beside me,

I feel no desire nor lustful thinking,

Not even a hint of love or affection, 

I look at him painstakingly,

There’s nothing in him, that I want.

I must be crazy to even think that I can tame such a wild beast. This guy never knew the word relationship, nor commitment, nor self respect. But the fact he was the IT GUY back then, made me the talk of gay metropolis. It’s given that he was goodlooking and buff, but try extracting more from him and you’d be disappointed. He was only good as a show trophy, that’s it! I remember Ted asking me, was he at least good in bed? My reply was a long hmmm, and it was enough to convince Ted it wasn’t. If you’d like me to rate it from one (1) to ten (10) and I’d say -1. Golly, what a waste of a man!

But I just try to look at the brighter side of my short affair, I know better now that not everything that looks good, taste good. That dating the IT GUY does not make you anything close to IT. And anything superficial does not last, even the most beautiful creature on this face of the planet will wrinkle like all the rest of us. That what is important is indeed invisible to the naked eye!  

Hot Gay Guy

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6 comments

  1. Jen · December 2, 2007

    Love that black shirt hahahahah!

  2. Meeya · December 3, 2007

    amen. however, i still believe that people cross our paths for a purpose. if this IT guy hadn’t appeared in your past, you may not be making the same beautiful instrospections you are doing now.

    anyway, its great that you have your journals to look back to. it helps put our life in perspective no? and to also help appreciate what we have now. 🙂

  3. munchkinmommy · December 3, 2007

    “carnal and superficial desires”…”he wasn’t as delectable as i suspected”. hee hee! 😉 it’s nice to be able to look back, while we may cringe at what we have done, and realize that we’ve come a long way. That’s one good way of becoming the better and improved version of ourselves. 😀 Have a great week, Nell! Mmmwah!

  4. sardonicnell · December 3, 2007

    JEN: hahaha, the IT GUY looks way better that this one in the photo. he was this spanish guitarist/ artist who was popular for a while in the gay community. but now i recall his name, nicandro. he was good looking and all, but the relationship was a flop. anyhow, we learn from our mistakes and past experiences. right? so, we’ll let it be a lesson 🙂

    MEEYA:
    flipping the pages of my old journal, made me realize how i’ve changed over these past couple years. like i said, i use to like beautiful things (on the outside, guys included) but now i know better to look pass the superficial. dba? it’s funny cause ted was teasing me, he called me a “gay whore” cause of guys i’ve had in the past. di naman sa nagbubuhat ako ng bench (di na bangko, hahaha) pero nong kapanahunan ko eh — what i like, i get in bed eventually. hahahaha! but i guess ted was right, i was like that before. pero syempre, things has changed, including my views and priorities. what i look for now is a long lasting relationship 😀

    WENG: there were no other words i could use to describe how i was before, heheheh! what happened to us in the past, makes us not just tougher but also wiser. i had no regrets naman with my previous relationships and misconduct. if not for them, i wouldn’t learn and if i didn’t learn, i wouldn’t be better and i wouldn’t be with TED. dba 😉

    THANK YOU GUYS FOR YOUR KIND AND FUNNY COMMENT. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK AHEAD, MWAAAAH!

  5. rollercoastermom · December 3, 2007

    naku bat nga ba ganyan ang mga IT guy no? hehehe! i’ve had my share of IT guys too and all i can say is, “what was i thinking?!” hahahaha! 😛 notorious din ako before for being “takaw-mata” hehe! i get what i want then when i have it na, corny na. hahaha! but it’s true, as you get older, the IT guys lose their appeal and then you start looking for what’s real 😀 i’m glad you found your man!

  6. sardonicnell · December 3, 2007

    hello kris, apir tayo! what were we thinking noh? i guess it’s a stage we all (or some) go thru, but eventually we mature and try to look for what’s really essential dba? at least ngayon eh we can say, we know better. thanks for the kind comment, have a wonderful week ahead 😀

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