Since I was just being lazy here at home. I finally found some time to look thru my journal and do some organization. I have like a twelve volume (turning thirteen journals) set now, as I write about almost anything. Nothing in particular, just random stuff. Like that walk at the beach, that lady I saw downtown who looks like a drag queen, the perfect dinner date, the 9-11 incident, my neighbours ferocious dog or even about the damn unpredictable weather. I sometimes write the most senseless and idiotic stuff. But that’s the good thing about journals — unlike some people, they’re never judgemental. So here I was flipping thru the pages of something I wrote back in 1998, at the peak of my wild years at Castro. Reading it, I realized how shallow and desperate I once was. My entries were filled with carnal and superficial desires. Names of men I no longer recall. I remember this one poem I wrote about this guy I really liked, as in head over heels on this hombre. Then came that time I got in a relationship with him, and boy was I sickly disappointed! He wasn’t as delectable as I expected, not at all. Have you ever craved for something badly? Then when you have it in your hands, it turned out boring. That is how I felt, that I wanted to bang my head on the wall. He’s so into himself, surely an egocentric maniac. Here’s that poem, written December 12, 1998.
My desires of romance has gone,
Blown by the wind to never ever,
Now that he’s beside me,
I feel no desire nor lustful thinking,
Not even a hint of love or affection,
I look at him painstakingly,
There’s nothing in him, that I want.
I must be crazy to even think that I can tame such a wild beast. This guy never knew the word relationship, nor commitment, nor self respect. But the fact he was the IT GUY back then, made me the talk of gay metropolis. It’s given that he was goodlooking and buff, but try extracting more from him and you’d be disappointed. He was only good as a show trophy, that’s it! I remember Ted asking me, was he at least good in bed? My reply was a long hmmm, and it was enough to convince Ted it wasn’t. If you’d like me to rate it from one (1) to ten (10) and I’d say -1. Golly, what a waste of a man!
But I just try to look at the brighter side of my short affair, I know better now that not everything that looks good, taste good. That dating the IT GUY does not make you anything close to IT. And anything superficial does not last, even the most beautiful creature on this face of the planet will wrinkle like all the rest of us. That what is important is indeed invisible to the naked eye!