The Big Gee, The Big Cee

I had just finished reading MGG’s last entry, and I can’t help but feel saddened and moved. A guy took his own life because he was gay, and coudn’t tell his family that. It was a tragic tale, truly heart breaking. For a man to die in the middle of nowhere, a place far away from his family — to spare his love ones from shame. It’s depressing that he didn’t find the guts to even tell his mother (at the very least), the unbearable burden he’s been carrying all these years. If only he had someone to share his sorrows, he may have taken a detour.

As Oscar Wilde said, there’s only two tragedies in life — not getting what one wants and getting it. And that tragedy only generates casualties. This story made me realize how lucky I’ve been. Fortunate to have the courage to come out of the closet at a young age and blessed to have a family that embraces my atypical nature. But it wasn’t all that easy to begin with, as life carries lots of adversities along with the rewards  it has to offer. At first, I had to conquer my fears when I decided to come out (though it was quite obvious ever since). There’s my fear of rejection, or the feeling of being abandoned by my own family.  Then the fear of change, cause you never know what may happen after everything’s been unveiled. 

To be gay, was not a choice I made. I never had any say on this particular matter. I was simply born for a peculiar life! And to this day, I barely know heavens reasons for my existence . I’m still trying to put together the pieces of my entirety. I wish I had the answers to all my questions.

As a child, I tried to change my habits. The way I move, the way I see things and my state of mind. I wanted to change everything, I wanted to be normal! To be gay is like taking the bumpy road, compared to just taking the freeway. Growing up,  my parents we’re a bit harsh. Thinking that pressure and physical pain can make me think and act straight. And I didn’t hold any grudges, cause in my heart I knew they had all the right intentions. Then eventually, over the course of time — life got better. My family realized that it’s hopeless to reverse the forces of nature!

My friends and love ones would know the struggle I have to endure just to get where I am now. It took a lot of tears, a lot of physical and emotional pain, add to that the mockery I get from the people that surrounds me. So many accusations and prejudgement. They’re saying that I’m immoral, a mere piece of garbage, a waste of a man or a menace to society. I’ve heard it all and I cried it all, but I decided to fight back. The damaging and malicious words people said behind my back, made me want to prove my oppressors wrong. I might be gay — but I am human and capable of doing things every normal person can and maybe even better…

And since the month of October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I am reminded of my mothers battle with the Big C. It’s been an emotional roller coaster these past couple years. But with the grace of God, the love of our family and friends, Mom is still with us and gorgeous as ever!



  1. migs the manila gay guy · October 17, 2007

    Proud of you! Mwah from Migs!

  2. carlotta · October 17, 2007

    thank God for your mom’s life! yup, she’s really gorgeous. 😀 nice pics!

  3. sardonicnell · October 17, 2007

    thanks for your kind words, migs! you surprised me with your visit. thanks for sharing that story, it was both tragic and enlightening. i just hope there was someone bruce could have talked to. maybe, just maybe things may have turned out different.

    thanks again for the visit, God bless!

  4. sardonicnell · October 17, 2007

    hello carlotta! thanks for your kind comment. we’re overjoyed for our mom’s speedy recovery. my mother would love you for saying she’s gorgeous! Godspeed 🙂

  5. rollercoastermom · October 17, 2007

    your mom is REALLY gorgeous! wow! 😀 battling the big c is very difficult but with family and friends it becomes a lot easier.

    as for bruce, sadly there are a lot like him who feel like they have no one to lean on. so when my brother confirmed what we all believed in our hearts to be true, we welcomed him with open arms, and not to mention lipstick. hahaha! but seriously, we love him to pieces! and his partner too! 😀

  6. sardonicnell · October 17, 2007

    hi kris! mahahalikan ka ng nanay ko at umagree ka sa sinabi ko, hahaha. but i must admit, after breast cancer and fifty something years — she sure looks good!

    bruce, was a tragic tale. but i guess we just have to draw inspiration from his story. dba? omg, so your brother (or should I say sister) and i have the same pink feathers. apir! aren’t we fabulous, hahaha. sensya na hah, nasobrahan ako sa kakikayan.

    i’m so glad to hear that your family has embraced your brothers individuality, even loving the one’s he love. i so adore your family for being so supportive! pls extend my warmest regards to your bro from me. big hugs to you both! mwaaah 🙂

  7. Meeya · October 17, 2007

    you and bruce are different people – i think you had courage and wisdom on your side, while bruce allowed defeat to overcome him. all challenges are difficult (or else hindi challenge ang tawag dun) so we need to face it with all the resources our soul can give us or else…

    tignan mo na lang si mother, if she hadn’t been brave enough to face the big C, she wouldn’t be the absolute fab mom we know her today, di ba?

  8. sardonicnell · October 17, 2007

    thanks meeya! you think that if bruce had someone to share his sorrow, his life would have been different? nalungkot lang talaga ako sa kwento ni bruce. if only he had strength, courage and wisdom.

    my mom has always been an inspiration. pag pinanghihinaan na ako ng loob, i just looks at her and look back at the past. all of a sudden, bale wala na ang problemang kinakaharap ko. nothing compared to mom’s adversities.

    thanks so much meeya, God bless!

  9. munchkinmommy · October 18, 2007

    gosh nell, i don’t know what to say. in a nutshell, i’d like to tell you that you truly are blessed because you were able to set yourself free. i understand that there are still people out there who are judgemental and don’t know any better, hence the fear of some gay people to admit who they really are. i guess in everything, one of the keys is always acceptance.

    your mom is also one of your biggest blessings, as all moms should be. 😀 may God continue to watch over her and protect her against the big “c”. ayan, i miss my mom na naman! 😀

    God bless, Nell! mmmwah! 😀

  10. sardonicnell · October 18, 2007

    hello weng! our mom’s are indeed our biggest blessings in life. i would be lost without her, and the same goes for other members of our family and friends.

    i consider myself fortunate that i’ve found myself at a tender age, then later blessed with a family that embraced my entirety. im sure it was also hard for them to accept my deviance; but their love prevailed.

    it is my everyday prayer that mom’s big c won’t come back ever. thanks again for your kind comment, Godspeed. mwaaaah!

  11. abby · October 18, 2007

    i didn’t realize how tough it must have been for you nung pinagninilay-nilayan mong sabihin sa family mo, not to mention sa ibang tao. wala silang magagawa, isa kang mariposa sa totoong buhay heheee 😀

  12. sardonicnell · October 18, 2007

    mariposa! i like that, abby. magpadapo dapo raw ang mariposa sa mga bulaklak, hahahah! anyhow, medyo nahirapan din akong lumabas ng aparador hah, sa laki ko bang eto? hehehe, joking.

    seriously, sa umpisa eh mahirap talaga. pero eventually eh naka adapt din ang family ko sa aking pagka-mujer. it’s all about acceptance, and from that point onwards eh smooth sail na bale.

    thanks for calling me mariposa, feeling pretty tuloy ako! bwahaha 😉

  13. Apols · October 23, 2007

    Not all are courageous enough to be out in the open.

    I have a friend who doesnt want to go out but everyone knows he is gay, im trying to convince him to not deny anything you know coz why would he be shy? Maybe hes afraid of many things and i just want him to be happy of his disposition since our company has no issues with gay workers, they even allow them to cross-dress 🙂

  14. sardonicnell · October 23, 2007

    that’s true, apols. i also had my fears way back, but eventually we need to conquer them. dba? hopefully, your friend will come out and embrace his inner self. thanks for being such a wonderful support to your friend!

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