Alone, But Not Lost

I woke up about 4 AM Saturday to get myself ready for a cat show down in Fresno. It’s a good three hour drive from my place, and the show starts early at about 8:30 AM. So way before the rooster crowed cock-a-doodle-doo, I was already on the road burning gas on the freeway.

Hours after as I was passing through Turlock; I saw the sunrise on the horizon. The timing was perfect as I had just finished crying. Listening to bossa nova made me all emotional, and could not stop the tears from falling. The music made me miss my friend Ceejay. Forgive the tears, but this was the only time I could cry ; where not a single witness to see me at my weakest. I was also able to let all my frustrations out, internalize and then eventually clear my mind.

And after a good cry, I dried my tears and smiled. I do miss my friend and it would take some time before I get use to not having him around. But I can’t be sorry forever and I need to stop blaming myself for the times we’ve missed. In my heart and in the depth of my soul, we will remain friends. And knowing him, he wouldn’t want to see me this way. He’ll probably give me a hug and say — move along, my friend!



  1. Leap of Faith! · October 10, 2007

    Nell, grieving is the only way for you to move on. Pour your heart out. Ceejeay is so lucky to have you as a friend.

  2. thess · October 10, 2007

    Dearest Nell, I read the entry about Ceejay. I just wish I could hug you at this very moment. As you know we are also facing a battle right now…and well, there is no other way but for us to move on.
    Someday your pain will be less, but Im sure the love you have for Ceejay will never change. He’s up there smiling down at you.
    I also would like to thank you for being there for me, even just online…you have proven to me that I was right about…to love you, my friend.

  3. Pinky · October 10, 2007

    Hi Nell 🙂 Great to hear that you’re finally feeling much better. Nothing like a good cry to take out all the “toxicity” inside – such a cleansing process…

    I’m sure Ceejay will be beaming to see that you’re almost back to “normal”. Take care!

  4. sardonicnell · October 10, 2007

    thanks so much, keith! looks like i am going thru grieving, it’s a painful process but i had to endure it. but i’m doing much better now, much much better. ceejay and i are lucky to be friends! thanks again and God bless 🙂

  5. sardonicnell · October 10, 2007

    hello sister thess, salamat po sa mga yakap! damang dama ang pagmamahal. i hope you’re doing ok, cause i know you have some obstacles you’re also going thru at the moment. be rest assured that i am always here for you and that you’re always in my prayers. love yah and well wishes to you and your family 🙂

  6. sardonicnell · October 10, 2007

    hi pinky! thanks for the kind words. crying is indeed therapeutic, nabawasan ang mga hinaing ko sa buhay. hahaha! ok na po ako, just need to get my balance and i’ll be fine. i miss ceejay a lot, and hope he’s happy that i’m bouncing back to life!

  7. rollercoastermom · October 10, 2007

    i’m glad to hear that you’ve been given a chance to finally let it out now. a good cry is very helpful at times. i hope you feel much better soon 🙂

  8. Meeya · October 10, 2007

    hi nell, you needed that good cry. feel better now? i hope so. here’s a tight *hug* for you from me, and another *hug* for when you move on.

  9. sardonicnell · October 10, 2007

    thanks kris! grabe, that was the perfect time for me to exhale at sabay iyak na rin. it was a good cry, labas lahat ng sama ng loob ko. kaya ok na rin ako. thanks for the well wishes, mwaaah!

  10. sardonicnell · October 10, 2007

    hello meeya! thanks for the big hugs, i can feel it though we’re miles apart. i can honestly say, that i am better. konti nalang and i’ll be back to normal. malapit na ring maging jolly ang bakla! hahahah. thanks again and big hugs to you as well 🙂

  11. munchkinmommy · October 10, 2007

    hi nell! like everyone else who posted a comment here, i’m very glad that you’re feeling better after that good cry. 🙂 i do believe it is also important to mourn the passing of a dear one just as it is important to keep their memories close as we move on. hugs from me to you! 🙂

  12. sardonicnell · October 11, 2007

    hello weng, thanks for the hugs. sarap ng mahigpit na yakap! i beleive mourning is a process a person has to go thru, like my mom would say — it’s a coping mechanism raw. mabuti na nga rin at naiiyak ko na. i don’t hold that much bitterness in my heart and that’s the biggest relief. thanks again for the hug, mwaaah!

  13. apols · October 12, 2007

    *hugs* to you, okay hang on.

  14. sardonicnell · October 12, 2007

    thank you, apols! really appreciate it 😉

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