As Close As I’ll Get To Loving You

The usual story, friends turned lovers. Although we weren’t a couple, we never got to that part. Jeff, has been a good friend of many years. He was one of best pals during my wild Castro years. Many times, he rescued me from my disastrous affairs. Those were the hey-days, things are so much different now.

He left the state to help his ailing parents, but throughout his absence we’ve kept in touch. We call each other every other week end to catch up on stuff. We’ve always have that utmost concern for each other. Like we use to say, I watch your back, you watch mine!

When his Mom expired, I didn’t have to think twice of running to his side. He didn’t ask me to come, but I wanted to. Even without asking, I knew he needed me. He was just shy to ask. I didn’t tell him though that when I got back home, I lost my job. My darn employer said, I didn’t give enough notice. But besides my misfortune, there was never an inkling of regret. He needed me, I needed to be there for him, period!

Three months after that, he decided to come back to California. I was the first to know and I helped him get his new place and get things settled. He found a job, I found one, too. I was happy to have my friend back here with me!

I thought everything was going to be smooth sailing after. Till that day he made his feelings known. He wanted to take our friendship to another level. I was shocked in disbelief and without any notice. I shut him out of my life! It was bad move, totally uncalled for. I had my reasons, but I didn’t tell him. You see, friendship means more to me than love affairs. I think it’s quite rare that we find true friend, while lovers can just come and go. I was afraid that if we became a couple, I’d lose that perfect friendship we have down the road.

It took me days and weeks to clear my head, and I’ve made up my mind. I can lie to the world, but I can’t be a hyprocrite to myself. I knew, I loved him and am ready for it. But then came another blow, something I wasn’t expecting. Just when I thought I knew him and was ready to jump into unknown waters, he told me he was HIV positive. I was shocked in disbelief! I wen’t back to solitary confinement and shut my world again.

This time, it took me months to recover. I’ve received numerous emails, letters, note cards and flowers. But nothing can give me that comfort I am so longing for. Like I use to say, I was never a religious person. But I got on my knees and begged heavens for enlightenment. And as the saying goes, asked and you shall receive. I got my answer from a book. It says,

You can explore the Universe looking for somebody who is more derserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere.

Then one night, he came to my house and I finally got the courage to face and tell him of what I’ve gone through. He sat there just looking at me. He was quiet the whole time. I said that I was about ready to love him, give us the chance to be a couple. But when I found out of his HIV, I couldn’t let myself go and get dragged into something I’ve been fearing for all of my entire gay life. That at the end of the day, I had to think of me. And that self love is much important than any love there is in this Universe. I made the choice, and that doesn’t mean I don’t love him — I just love myself more.

I didn’t want to be selfish, but I didn’t want to be selfless either. I don’t consider anyone with HIV less of a person that I am. I can’t be judgemental, but I can’t throw my life away just because I was in-love. But eventually, what I’ve been fearing for happened in time. He shut me off! He didn’t listen to my reasons, he thought I was being prejudice. Like what he did for me, I gave him time to internalize. Gave him the space he needed to think everything over. And then one day, he showed up at my door and said — Can we be friends again?


  1. cee cee · September 12, 2007

    i was only gone for days and guess what? dami kong namiss. naku naman friend, let’s not be senti. youre happy naman, dba? besides, saying no wasn’t such a bad thing. jeff will get over it, just like you. cheer up lola!

  2. sardonicnell · September 12, 2007

    yup, seems like you were gone forever! are you back here in sfo? anyhow, nagkwekwento lang po ako noh. di naman nag sesenti. chumichika lang, that’s all! hehehe =)

  3. Meeya · September 12, 2007

    i hope you said yes. 🙂

    the story of the velveteen rabbit came to my mind as i was reading this entry. parang, you won’t become real unless you allow yourself to be loved by someone. but, in the process of becoming real, you shouldn’t be afraid of becoming hurt because (and i quote) “by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. but these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly… once you are Real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

    wala lang. 🙂 sister, nai-inggit ako sa iyo, napaka-colorful ng life mo. yung experiences mo super character-building. 🙂

  4. sardonicnell · September 12, 2007

    meeya, i thank you so much for that wonderful quote. i hope you dont mind me adding it to my collection of inspirational words.

    i did say YES, to his request. i didn’t want to throw away years of friendship. he means more to me as friend, that a lover (almost a lover, if i may say). i still see him from time to time, he moved to central california early this year. but we’re always on the phone and keeping each other updated. when he comes here to sfo, he sleeps over and we bond. there’s nothing better than a friend who truly cares for you!

    ow meeya, dear. i’m sure your life is colorful as well. and since we’re talking colors here, allow me to leave this words:

    “if God put’s a tear in your eyes, it’s because He wanted you to see the rainbow in the sky!”

    ganda noh? thanks again and God bless =)

  5. Apols · September 12, 2007

    Friendship lasts forever =)

    Ill do the same thing.


  6. Apols · September 12, 2007

    friendship lasts forever ba talaga 😀
    sometimes i doubt the forever thing 😛

  7. sardonicnell · September 12, 2007

    hello apols! i think ‘real’ friendship do last forever. i’ve met lots of people in my life, although mailan-ilan lang ang matatawag ko talagang ‘friends’. the word ‘friend’ has a deeper meaning to me, it has some sort of connection and depth.

    i have friends, that i’ve been with for like 15-16 yrs. pero minsan syempre dahil busy, we lose track of them. but the love is always there! that’s why i hold on to those friends, the ones that do matter in my life. drama ko talaga noh! heheheh. thanks for the visit =)

  8. munchkinmommy · September 14, 2007

    nell, i’m glad you still ended up as friends. it’s really hard to find friends who will truly understand, love and accept us as we are. 🙂

    may you always have a colorful life sans the stress. mmmwah!

  9. sardonicnell · September 14, 2007

    hello weng! im happy, too that we’re friends to this day. i would never trade him for a million lovers, except for brad pitt. hahaha!

    thanks for the kind words and wishing you a colorful life as well =)

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