Since I’ve already spilled part of my love life. Bakit di pa natin lubos-lubosin, Dba? Why not push the rewind button and recapture my so called, first love. Which I also call, Ang Tange Kong Pag-ibig. Like the rest of the gay populace, my first love turned out to be my first heart break as well.
Pero teka lang po muna mananawagan na muna ako, mga high school friends ko dyan, walang bukingan hah! Now, let’s proceed. He was a good friend and one of the brightest students in the campus. I think almost everyone knows him, not just as a smart guy but also because he’s so kindhearted. Tipong Matinee Idol ang dating, at least in my eyes. Hahaha!
Falling for him came as an accident. Probably because we were involved in the same curricular activities and I see him all the time. Conversations came in natural to us, we were talking about almost anything. We were even letter-writing-buddies, ay ang bakya ko talaga! Note writing was a fad then. Nagrason pa raw ako! I must say that I was already openly gay, noon pa man. You’d see me in the campus carrying a fan and smelling good in Angel’s Breath Cologne. If that’s not gay enough, I don’t know what else to call it!
So this friend knows of my sexuality, but I guess he was very secured of his manhood. My being a gay-sha didn’t matter to him, and didn’t affect our friendship at all. Not until our senior year when my heart started singing the theme song from the movie Titanic. Yup, my heart was waltzing to the tune of My Heart Will Go On. I’m sure all of you how the it goes. So I woke up one night, I was already in love with my close friend. Patay kang bakla ka! Due to my immaturity and lack of experience in the field of gay romance. I did what I do best, keeping my feelings a secret and then avoiding him. I was young and know very little. In as much as I want to ask my parents about first love and all. I don’t think they can give me any good advice. Pretty much, I’m on my own. Oh dba? And drama ng bakla!
So of course this friend ended getting confuse. Why deadma ko sya all of a sudden? But instead of telling him the truth. I ended making up a lie, saying that I have some sort of family problems. Chuvaness Charuz! But eventually, the time came when he found out about my white lie. One night, he followed me home to finally confront me and asked about the cause of my sudden coldness. I remember him looking straight in my eyes, while his left arm was on my shoulder. But instead of answering him, I ended crying. And like Scarlet O’Hara in the movie Gone In The Wind, I rested my head on Clark Gable’s chest; while he said some comforting words. But ten minutes after, we were back again to the question. This time, I’ve cried all the tears and have nothing left. I had no choice but to let my hair down and finally tell him the truth. And I did! That same night, I cried a Mississippi River.
Surprisingly, he was calm. I think he knows or at least have a slight idea. He didn’t get mad, he didn’t broke my nose either. Instead, he hold my hand and said…
If there’s any love in my heart for you, that is love for a brother!