Fools Rush In

Since I’ve already spilled part of my love life. Bakit di pa natin lubos-lubosin, Dba? Why not push the rewind button and recapture my so called, first love. Which I also call, Ang Tange Kong Pag-ibig. Like the rest of the gay populace, my first love turned out to be my first heart break as well.

Pero teka lang po muna mananawagan na muna ako, mga high school friends ko dyan, walang bukingan hah! Now, let’s proceed. He was a good friend and one of the brightest students in the campus. I think almost everyone knows him, not just as a smart guy but also because he’s so kindhearted. Tipong Matinee Idol ang dating, at least in my eyes. Hahaha!

Falling for him came as an accident. Probably because we were involved in the same curricular activities and I see him all the time. Conversations came in natural to us, we were talking about almost anything. We were even letter-writing-buddies, ay ang bakya ko talaga! Note writing was a fad then. Nagrason pa raw ako! I must say that I was already openly gay, noon pa man. You’d see me in the campus carrying a fan and smelling good in Angel’s Breath Cologne. If that’s not gay enough, I don’t know what else to call it!

So this friend knows of my sexuality, but I guess he was very secured of his manhood. My being a gay-sha didn’t matter to him, and didn’t affect our friendship at all. Not until our senior year when my heart started singing the theme song from the movie Titanic. Yup, my heart was waltzing to the tune of My Heart Will Go On. I’m sure all of you how the it goes. So I woke up one night, I was already in love with my close friend. Patay kang bakla ka! Due to my immaturity and lack of experience in the field of gay romance. I did what I do best, keeping my feelings a secret and then avoiding him. I was young and know very little. In as much as I want to ask my parents about first love and all. I don’t think they can give me any good advice. Pretty much, I’m on my own. Oh dba? And drama ng bakla!

So of course this friend ended getting confuse. Why deadma ko sya all of a sudden? But instead of telling him the truth. I ended making up a lie, saying that I have some sort of family problems. Chuvaness Charuz! But eventually, the time came when he found out about my white lie. One night, he followed me home to finally confront me and asked about the cause of my sudden coldness. I remember him looking straight in my eyes, while his left arm was on my shoulder. But instead of answering him, I ended crying. And like Scarlet O’Hara in the movie Gone In The Wind, I rested my head on Clark Gable’s chest; while he said some comforting words. But ten minutes after, we were back again to the question. This time, I’ve cried all the tears and have nothing left. I had no choice but to let my hair down and finally tell him the truth. And I did! That same night, I cried a Mississippi River.

Surprisingly, he was calm. I think he knows or at least have a slight idea. He didn’t get mad, he didn’t broke my nose either. Instead, he hold my hand and said…

If there’s any love in my heart for you, that is love for a brother!



  1. lino · September 11, 2007

    you found a real friend in him… that’s a treasure.

  2. sardonicnell · September 11, 2007

    thank you, lino! he was a true friend and i do treasure that to this day. if he was another guy, i don’t think he’ll have the same calm reaction.

    pero bakit ganon noh, hanggang ngayon eh masakit pa rin. i guess the saying is true, first love never dies! chicka lang, hehehe =)

  3. Meeya · September 11, 2007

    grabe, i am envisioning you using a fan and smelling like angel’s breath hehe! riot ka talaga!! 😀

    bakit nga kaya ganun ang first love…hirap kalimutan. siguro dahil yun yung first time na pagtibok ng puso at todo bigay tayo kahit medyo takot. at least hindi ka niya sinaktan katulad ni pulisboy, at kahit papaano friends kayo up to this day, di ba? salamat for sharing! 🙂

  4. sardonicnell · September 11, 2007

    naku meeya! bata palang ako eh mujer na talaga ako, hahaha. i remember nong highschool eh i have kit consists of johnsons baby powder, angels breath cologne at may towel pa. in those days eh kikay enough na yon! ngayon eh ibang level na sya =)

    mukhang totoo nga yata ang saying about first love, hirap kalimutan. may addtl chika pa ako sayo. noong umuwi ako couple years ago, i saw him sa SM with a girl. it was his girlfriend of many years pala. kahit pala anong tagal, sakit pa rin sya. emote ang beauty ko after! hahaha =)

    but im happy for him, i’m lucky that we’re friends. ok na sa akin iyon, martyr na mujer talaga ako ever!

  5. thess · September 11, 2007

    after ng cry-me-a-river mo, nakakadilat ka pa? ha ha ha!! mujer na mujer ka talaga sister….at least understanding sya. so may contact pa rin kayo hanggang ngayon?

    (chismosa ako talaga! he he) keep the juicy entries coming baby!!

  6. sardonicnell · September 11, 2007

    hello, sister thess! hope you’re having a fabulosa day. after the crying a river maya, wala pa rin akong choice kong hindi sumagot sa mga katanungan. di ako tinantanan eh! pero naging ok naman kami after that, we remained friends. pero wala na rin akong masyadong balita sa kanya. paminsan minsan eh nag eemail sya sa akin, but nothing special — hi hello bye, ganon lang. hombre talaga eh! di na yata yon magbabago. hehehe =)

  7. cee cee · September 12, 2007

    huhula ako, eto ba si mister…
    chika lang, akala mo bibisto kita, LOL

  8. sardonicnell · September 12, 2007

    naku, cee cee! wag kang magkakamali. sasakalin kita, promise =)

  9. abby · September 12, 2007

    hahaa, natawa ako sa mujer. 😀 napakahilig mo nga sa pamaypay nun, noh?

    angel’s breath=Highschool ever!

  10. sardonicnell · September 12, 2007

    hello, abby! syempre kelangan ng pamaypay, lahi yata tayo ni maria clara. remember mo yong fan noon, pwede pang ipa-personalize. pawrite ng name at kong ano ano. hahaha!

    speaking of angels breath, just a couple weeks ago. i went to this asian store, i saw it on display and instantly bought it. amoy highschool ulit ako, hehehe =)

  11. munchkinmommy · September 14, 2007

    nell, nalibang ako sa entry mo. tulad ni meeya, naimagine din kita na me pamaypay! 😀 at nakakakilig yung part na “i rested my head on clark gable’s chest”. hee hee!

    i love how you so candidly share stories about your heart’s adventures and misadventures. napakatotoo mo! may shortage ang mundo ng mga totoong tao. 🙂

    friday na naman bukas. yehey!

  12. sardonicnell · September 14, 2007

    a million thanks you’s, weng! glad you enjoyed and laughed at my stories. up to this day, i still love carrying fans; pag summer nga lang.

    kilig moment ba? kahit ako pag naaalala ko eh i still giggle inside. ganyan ako ka-corny! hahaha. thanks again for the kind words. enjoy your week end, my dear =)

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