This is one of the reasons why I hate being sick. I have a reason to stay home and not do anything. With lack of activities and slow mental reflex, I find myself melodramatic and feeling vulnerable. I have a reason to think of myself, which I totally hate. I have a reason to be overly analytical, contemplate and rediscover the emotions I’ve been ignoring.
I’ve always portrayed myself as a hardy person, a bit feminine at times; but disciplined and gallant. It’s the man behind the damsel in distress. How funny? I’m known as the guy equipt with plans (from A, B to C), who’s future has been carefully laid out, a person who lives in security and still feel the world is insufficient. I hate the feeling of dependency, I do not like seeing weakness and I always like the feeling of control. I’m not manipulative, but I like to take the driver seat. I feel better and I feel safe on my lead.
This time off from work is giving me the creeps. The feeling of not able to do the things I intend to accomplish makes me feel futile. The inadequate feeling makes me feel human, moving me to a state of vulnerability. Suddenly, a burst of emotion immerse. I cried, laugh, reminisce, then cried again. You’d think I was loony, but it’s my frailty showing it’s true color. That I am not some sort of superhero, but human in all form.