I am ready to leave my world for him,
Desert the life I made my home,
Leaving familiar people behind,
For him, for us, for a future with him.

I am seriously mad right now! It felt like the world has conspired, to pissed the hell out of me. I am somehow ready to believe that 99% of the population is evil and down right selfish and rotten, and the remaining 1%, a bunch of virgins and martyrs who haven’t been laid or couldn’t get a  freaking date!

Forgive me for being smutty. But I should have expressed my anger when I had the chance, guess I was afraid of the damage it could inflict. Rather, I locked myself inside the rest room, covered my mouth with a towel and yelled as loud as I can. It was a pathetic way of  releasing my frustration, and cowardly that is. And now that I’m writing this, I feel like a schmuck. I should have bitten that bad guys head off while at work, so I wouldn’t feel like remorsing moron. A huge sigh…

I could not my beleive my eyes when I saw my last blog update, July 19th. I said, what? What the hell just happened? Did somebody just pushed the fast forward button? Wow, that’s a lot of time! And how exactly busy was I, that I was unable to make not even a short blog entry.

Truth is, it’s been hectic! If only I could stretch the day to get an extra hour, I would. And I’m sure you guys have been wondering what I’ve been doing with my life this past couple months. I could pretty much sum it in three words – work, school and no play. Oh wait, that was five. Hahaha!

Work. There’s been some changes in the office lately. I decided to cut down on my work hours to accomodate school. And yet, I  got promoted. No fancy titles, but I got raise. Not bad, right? We all know that with a promotion comes more responsibility. Four employees were put under my supervision, and most of my time was spent doing training. This would be one of those times when I would say – small is better! Less stress, but more time to effectively mentor people. Not a bad trade, if you don’t mind me saying. And so, with four people under my care. I was able to successfully train great employees. They’re one of the best working team, I have ever came up with. They’re so good, that they can pretty much snag my job. Hahahah!

School.  You red it right, I am a working student. I am back to school earning my second degree, B.S.  Nursing. I don’t know what I got myself into, except that the people around me are saying that I’ll do a great job as a nurse. I guess, we’ll find that out soon. And if things goes well, I graduate next year and probably resume my graduate studies. Golly, I hope I get a life after all these academic stuff I am and will be doing!

No play. Pretty obvious, I have no life – except for work and school. Doesn’t take a genius to figure that out, right? Hopefully, all the sacrifices I’m doing at the moment would eventually pay off. It’s bad enough that I don’t have a social life cause of the stuff I’m into. So the future better have some surprises enstore for me. Hahaha!

I was trying to find humor, in what feels like the end - but I couldn’t. Hours of waiting, and judgment day has started. You stand at the foot of the altar, and I look at you teary eyed six rows away. You looked at me one time, and turned your head down. That look was your goodbye. I was inconsolable! In the midst of everyone’s happiness, I was the only one feeling pain and sadness. My tears were thought to be a sign of happiness. If only they knew…

-July 19, 1998-

I want to live like it is the end,
The sun on my face,
Water on my finger tips,
While the waves run through my feet,
To sing with joy and delight as I walk,
To enjoy the fresh mountain air,
Holding the hand of the one I love,
Because such enchantment doesn’t cost a thing.

Yes, the tides has changed once again. One day, Mom is feeling wonderfully well and then now, she’s not. Truly, our family’s battle with breast cancer has been one hell of a ride. Not to mention the anxiety and emotional torture. But however exhausted, we promise never to give up. There are things in life that I have no problem letting go, just not this one. It’s  totally out of the question!

I shouldn’t have sent Leon that email. It should have ended with that thing, and all the endless questions in my head. But then again, I needed to know where I stand. What are we really?

An hour after sending my email, I heard an alert on my Blackberry phone - he has responded. And so I opened my inbox, red his message word for word. To my surprise and not knowing why, I got teary eyed. He said:

I screwed up, and I admit it. That’s why I never questioned you, the day you decided to leave me. It’s been tough, months of silence and living in guilt. Getting up the next day, and what for? But nothing. Yes, I am nothing without you, my love. What’s left of me was a box full of nothing. A body without a soul, an artist who has lost it’s muse. And everyday (not having you with me) is a constant reminder of my mistakes, of my despicable behaviour. A realization that life without you by my side , is a death sentence. 

Yes, you are strong and I am the weak one. You are capable of moving on, and I can’t (and I won’t.) No would mean the end of me. You’ve won, you’ve made your point.  Now could we leave these all behind us and please come back, love. I beg of you!

Guess the question now is — am I ready? Could I fall for the same guy the third time…

A quick hello and a kiss that last a lifetime. He is messing with my head again, and along with it – he’s also meddling with my feelings. What was that all about? I thought it was done and over with. I thought we’ll move on and continue to be friends.

But why did you kiss me? Couldn’t it have ended with just hello and then goodbye. Why the kiss on the lips, and not a peck on the cheek? Why were we both breathing heavily? As if you took the air out of my body,  then blew life back into me. Why Leon?

Now, you’ve lit the fire in me. And I can’t find it in my heart to kill that warmth, for it feels good. But I have to restrain myself. I couldn’t trust myself when I’m with you. I know, I couldn’t run away fast enough when I pull off that string of repression. I simply can’t!

That ten second kiss,  it was but a moment in time. But it  brought the dead into life…

People need space, and I for one needed one today. Call it weird, but I decided to cut myself off from the world we live in. I called in sick (which I am – flu bug and all), unplugged the home phone, turned off my cellphone, took some meds and red a book till I fell asleep. For a couple hours, I was able to focus on myself. No work to think of, no phone calls, a little time away from the family – just time for me and the things I like doing on my own.  And surprisingly, it felt good. I enjoyed it immensely, that I wanted to do it all over again…

It’s Fathers Day today, and unfortunately Dad had to bail out on us. He happens to have a private date, and we understand. But I’d like to say a few words to my old wise man. He may not be the most eloquent father, but I love him just that way. So here’s a shout out for my Paps!

Dad, thank you. Thanks for giving me a chance to live, and giving me the space to grow in my own terms. Thanks for loving me unconditionally. You may not say the words, but I feel it every minute of my life. Thanks for being my man of strength, for defending me againts all harms. For being my man of truth, making me accept the person that I am. For being my man of wisdom, letting me know to embrace my own uniqueness. For it is what makes me – ME.  And I may not say it often, but I do love you. It’s just that we have our own different ways of expressing it. Happy Fathers Day!