I am so excited to finally get our plane tickets, Yipee! It’s been like two, three months since we placed our flight reservations. And bless the kind travel agents for enduring my mother and sisters flickery and occassional outburst. I think they were close to saying — go buy your tickets elsewhere. Hahaha!

Paminsan minsan ay huminto ka naman, Kaibigan.

Nang iyong masilayan ang gandang mayroon,

Sa mundong ating ginagalawan,

Masdan mo ang gintong nakalutang sa luntian,

Damhin mo ang init ng araw sa dapithapon,

Lumakad sa ulan at ikaw ay magtampisaw,

Tumingin sa itaas at panoorin ang galaw ng mga ulap,

At sa paglubog ng araw, ikaw ay ngumiti sa langit,

Ipikit ang mga mata at magpasalamat kay Bathala,

Pagkat tayo ay tunay na pinagpala.

For some reason, I had this bad gut feeling when I accepted Scott’s offer that I lease his house in the suburbs. But it’s not like I asked him to, I was simply having a conversation with him and his partner one day. When I told them that I’ll be putting my house on the market. Something in me wanted to say no, but Scott and his partner was insistent and the house was immaculate inside and out. Needless to say, I  didn’t listen to my intuition and I agreed to his terms.

But then came his frequent visits. At first, it was helping me pack up my things or driving down the storage facility or doing some errands. Then suddenly, he decided to drop in late one night and invited me for a way too late dinner date. He was quite disappointed when I told him no and went back to sleep. And then the next morning, he was at my door at 7 AM holding a cup of hot coffee, asking that I jog with him. Now, I’m very suspicious.

I just had to clear the air right away. As it’s only been a couple months since we’ve made peace and decided to amend our past conflicts. And we’re good friends now, specially Scott’s partner who became a fellow since we belong to the same LGBT group. Besides, I’m not about to ruin his trust and sever what good relationship I have with him. So I asked Scott, just what exactly is he doing? Why has he been showing up at my door step lately?

True enough, my hunch was right. He’s been exploring the jungle yet again. And was wondering if I can be his prey. But I was quick to dismiss his motives and his crazy wild ideas. I simply told him to get lost and leave me in peace. I was very serious when I told him that I have no problem telling his partner his misadventure, if he doesn’t leave me alone. Which made him think twice pursuing me. And to put things right, I have decided to cancel whatever agreement we have on the house. I didn’t want to see him again and deal with his dirty tricks.

It may take me sometime to find a new place to stay. But I think I’m on the right track. For I am no scumbag and have no plans associating myself with one.

Our seven day trip to Calgary has proven to be one of my most memorable vacation. This has been one of those very few occassions when I get to spend time alone with mother. Don’t get me wrong, I love my siblings to bits and pieces and I look forward to family gatherings. But I sometimes have a hard time opening myself when there’s a whole bunch of people around.

On our very last day in Banff, as my mother and I were taking a walk along Lake Louise. She asked me this question that caught me off guard. She said, ” I’m going to bet my life on this. But you haven’t forgiven your Dad for what has happened to us. Am I right? “ I heard her loud and clear, and I was left clueless. Should I lie or should I lie to myself more?

The truth is, Mom is right! I have always hold my Dad accountable for there divorce and our families separation. If not for his infidelity, my siblings wayward life would have been different. Mom wouldn’t be with another man, and like a fairy tale. We will happily ever after. Honestly, part of me wants to understand him and another wants me to seek someone to blame for what our family has gone thru.  But how do you exactly hate your father? And make him pay for the unhappiness we felt at that time?

I was lost in words and realization. That I couldn’t find the words to say and describe the way I feel towards my Dad. He is a good man, yet he was an awful husband. He was not the ideal father, but he was an amazing provider. Truly, he wasn’t perfect and he is human in every way. But how do I see pass his flaws? Which reminded me of what my Lola use to say — It is hard to forgive the people we love and trust. Much more, if it’s the family we adore.

It’s been years since both my parents decided to go there separate ways. And still I had some resentments, that I haven’t fully defeated. I understand that Mom and Dad are better off separated, and they’re indeed destined to be friends rather than a couple. And instead of thinking of ourselves as victims of my parents separation. We’d rather condition our minds to think that we were offsprings of what was once a happy and devoted relationship. I should feel blessed, that our parents continues to love us beyond there separation and shortcomings.

Then, it was my turn to ask Mom — how was she able to forgive him? Unlike me, she was quick to answer. She said, “ If I wanted to be bitter, I could have done that easily. But I have three wonderful children to thank him for. I have you guys! Your Dad is every bit human, so he has imperfections. He made a mistake and he had suffered enough, when we decided to file for divorce. He knew that was the price he has to pay for his misdemeanor. Trust me when I say that your father is a good man. He may not be the best father, but he’s been a good provider to us all. Try and weigh the good and bad things he’s done. And you’ll be surprise of your fathers kidness and generosity. He may not be an effusive man as you wanted him to be, but he has got to be a good person inside. Just remember how your Dad accepted you when you came out to him, not every man in his position would be accepting as he is. That right there is unconditional love! So, if he’s able to look pass your imperfections. Surely, you’d be able to do the same for him. “

I was left silent with what Mom said, she hit the nail right on the head. Dad didn’t deserve a cold shoulder, he deserves my utmost respect. I felt so disgusted over my lack of appreciation, how can I be naive? For if there were people that truly loves me for who I really am, that would be my family — my Mom and Dad. I have no right no hold any resentment. For Dad has only shown me nothing more, but unconditional love and kindness.

The wind one morning
carried Your voice to me;
but when I turned my head
  it was gone.

Looking up one night
a sparkling Light caught my eye;
but when I turned my head
  it was gone.

A fragrance on the breeze
enchanted both heart and mind;
but when I turned my head
  it was gone.

Until at last
the thought came to me:
  HE is gone.

If I can endure for this moment,
whatever is happening to me.
No matter how heavy my heart,
or how dark the moment may be.
If I can but keep on believing,
what I know in my heart to be true.
Then darkness will fade into morning,
and with this dawn a new day, too.

… Why not make Strawberry Lemonades, or better yet, a Lemon Merigue Pie. Believe me, it’s easier said than done. But then again, we have had enough. Wasting time wallowing in our sorrows and distress. That we thought, a family outing wouldn’t be such a bad idea. The next thing we know, Mom and Dad Aldo surprised us for a week end in Monterey. They bought tickets for the Bay Aquarium and reservations down Bubba Gumps for lunch. And later in the day, we walked along Asilomar Beach and watch the sun set on the horizon. It was absolutely beautiful! And what made it best, are the people I am with. We laugh and shared stories as if it was our last day on earth. Now, who cares for lemons?

Change has a bad reputation in our society. But it isn’t all bad, not by any means. In fact, change is necessary in life — to keep us moving, to keep us growing, to keep us interested. Just imagine life without change. It would be static, boring, and dull. 

Now, how do you like the change I did?

These past couple weeks have been truly awful. From my Mom’s diagnosis of Stage III Breast Cancer, to losing the home that I’ve invested two darn years of hard labour. Add to that my life’s savings that’s going down the drain. Truly, it’s been down pouring defeat, misfortune, disasters and adversities. But I couldn’t find myself crying in  despair or wallowing in bad fate, my family needs me now more than ever. F*ck my pride and the tangible possessions I am about to lose! Our focus now should be Mom and her battle with breast cancer. I’d like to give the very last drop of strength and hope I have left, on someone who truly needs it.

Monday morning, Mom and I went to her Oncologist and Surgeon appointment. I was finally able to convince her to pursue possible surgery, chemotherapy or radiation treatment. Our conversation with both doctors went well, and I finally discovered the severity of my mother’s illness. I think I understand now, why she kept it a secret for sometime now. Guess she didn’t want us crying at her expense, and wanted to spare us from the pain of her current health condition.

It has been one hell of an emotional roller coaster for me and the family. And thank heavens, we are still alive and kicking ass. We are continously praying for divine healing, that the Lord would show mercy upon us. Things are tight and our hearts, feeble from time to time. But I know that things can only get better from here. For as long as we have faith…

The eagle like the mighty phoenix
emerges from the ashes
bruised, but not beaten
stronger than ever
Out of the rubble of destruction
Seeds of hope
Stories of courage
Heroes emerge

Take time to think; it is the source of power.
Take time to need; it is the foundation of wisdom.

Take time to play; it is the secret of staying young.
Take time to be quiet; it is the opportunity to seek thy soul.

Take time to be aware; it is the opportunity to help others.
Take time to love and be loved; it is God’s greatest gift.

Take time to laugh; it is the music of the soul.
Take time to be friendly; it is the road to happiness.

Take time to dream; it is what the future is made of.
Take time to meditate; it is the greatest power on earth.

So, I’m taking my time off and hope to see you all in a little while…