BRB

Geeh, if I wasn’t broken hearted and all;  I wouldn’t even think of checking in with my blog. But then again I am a melodramatic moron – I needed to feel something strange before I am even compelled to compose a phrase. And yes, I am broken hearted! My heart is, but not me. So don’t you guys worry, just allow me to focus all my time and energy into higher learning. And in time I will bounce back - happy and probably wiser!

Ready…

I am ready to leave my world for him,
Desert the life I made my home,
Leaving familiar people behind,
For him, for us, for a future with him.

The Wedding

I was trying to find humor, in what feels like the end - but I couldn’t. Hours of waiting, and judgment day has started. You stand at the foot of the altar, and I look at you teary eyed six rows away. You looked at me one time, and turned your head down. That look was your goodbye. I was inconsolable! In the midst of everyone’s happiness, I was the only one feeling pain and sadness. My tears were thought to be a sign of happiness. If only they knew…

-July 19, 1998-

Three’s a Charm

I shouldn’t have sent Leon that email. It should have ended with that thing, and all the endless questions in my head. But then again, I needed to know where I stand. What are we really?

An hour after sending my email, I heard an alert on my Blackberry phone - he has responded. And so I opened my inbox, red his message word for word. To my surprise and not knowing why, I got teary eyed. He said:

I screwed up, and I admit it. That’s why I never questioned you, the day you decided to leave me. It’s been tough, months of silence and living in guilt. Getting up the next day, and what for? But nothing. Yes, I am nothing without you, my love. What’s left of me was a box full of nothing. A body without a soul, an artist who has lost it’s muse. And everyday (not having you with me) is a constant reminder of my mistakes, of my despicable behaviour. A realization that life without you by my side , is a death sentence. 

Yes, you are strong and I am the weak one. You are capable of moving on, and I can’t (and I won’t.) No would mean the end of me. You’ve won, you’ve made your point.  Now could we leave these all behind us and please come back, love. I beg of you!

Guess the question now is — am I ready? Could I fall for the same guy the third time…

Ten Seconds

A quick hello and a kiss that last a lifetime. He is messing with my head again, and along with it – he’s also meddling with my feelings. What was that all about? I thought it was done and over with. I thought we’ll move on and continue to be friends.

But why did you kiss me? Couldn’t it have ended with just hello and then goodbye. Why the kiss on the lips, and not a peck on the cheek? Why were we both breathing heavily? As if you took the air out of my body,  then blew life back into me. Why Leon?

Now, you’ve lit the fire in me. And I can’t find it in my heart to kill that warmth, for it feels good. But I have to restrain myself. I couldn’t trust myself when I’m with you. I know, I couldn’t run away fast enough when I pull off that string of repression. I simply can’t!

That ten second kiss,  it was but a moment in time. But it  brought the dead into life…

To My Old Wise Man

It’s Fathers Day today, and unfortunately Dad had to bail out on us. He happens to have a private date, and we understand. But I’d like to say a few words to my old wise man. He may not be the most eloquent father, but I love him just that way. So here’s a shout out for my Paps!

Dad, thank you. Thanks for giving me a chance to live, and giving me the space to grow in my own terms. Thanks for loving me unconditionally. You may not say the words, but I feel it every minute of my life. Thanks for being my man of strength, for defending me againts all harms. For being my man of truth, making me accept the person that I am. For being my man of wisdom, letting me know to embrace my own uniqueness. For it is what makes me – ME.  And I may not say it often, but I do love you. It’s just that we have our own different ways of expressing it. Happy Fathers Day!

He Deserves Better

I never gave it much thought. But this past week end, as I was shopping at Barnes. I saw this book that caught my eye. It says, I Should Be Extremely Happy In His Company. And I quickly asked myself, am I extremely happy or at the very least, happy in his company?

The answer is, I’m not or maybe, not anymore. I myself am confused. I don’t know what happened these past couple weeks that made me say that. He’s every bit the man I wanted to be with – successful, career driven, devoted, loving, gentle and kind. Maybe, I’m the problem. I don’t know! All I know is that I’m unhappy and I couldn’t stand faking what I feel for him.

I hate the fact that I’m lying to him and to myself. And it hurts me more, that I would be the one responsible for his pain. I love him, and I am deeply in love with him to this very day. And if this is some sort of bad dream, I hope I snapped out of it soon. He deserves better, he deserves the happy me!

When Sorry’s Not Enough

At first, when she said it – I felt so small inside. But then, looking back at what I have done for this person. I think, I deserve better. I was good to her, always been. I really thought, I could rely on her to catch me when I fall. But, I guess not! She was simply waiting for a chance to take every inch of pride I have inside. Try and break my spirit, and my will to trust.

But what really drives me insane, is that I was ready to take a bullet for this person and I still do. Even if she has hurt me, tremendously…

Growing Up

I knew the day would eventually come, but I didn’t expect it to be so soon. Well, the siblings I use to care for can pretty much fend for themselves now. Funny, how I thought this day would be one joyous occassion. When I could finally free myself and do the things I have put on hold. Travel the world, settle down maybe and take care of me.

Somehow, I feel useless. Maybe because I’ve spend most of my life caring and tending people I love. And now that they no longer need my help. Here am I standing on the sidewalk, clueless. Wondering what to do next, trying to find something to keep me occupied.

I guess, I need some getting to use time. Let this all sink in and get myself acclimated to my so called, new life. It won’t be easy, but I know I’ll snap out of it sometime. Change is good, I’ll tell myself that over and over again.

I’ll be fine, I will be…

A Year End Joke

I have loved him, long before I ever learned to love myself. He was the guy who would eventually complete me, that person who would holds the last piece of my life’s jigsaw puzzle. Someone who holds the key to my heart. The man I adored, a man who will remain just a dream…

But life played a joke on me. The gods decided to grant me my life long wish. And yes, I had him! Only to discover that he wasn’t the man I thought he was. Yes, he is drop dead gorgeous, gabbish and smart. But I just couldn’t hear the bells ringing, nor feel my heart thumping. He looks delish, he’s got the whole package and all. But the kick-in-the-gut I’m supposed to feel isn’t there. Truth be told, there was some sort of attraction going on - and yes, the sensual kind.

Nonetheless, I was glad that it happened. I’ve come to realize, that there is something more than that meets the eyes. That there’s a reason why I couldn’t have what I wanted, in the first place. Come to think of it, he should have just remained a dream. At least, I’d still giggle by thought of him.