Three’s a Charm

I shouldn’t have sent Leon that email. It should have ended with that thing, and all the endless questions in my head. But then again, I needed to know where I stand. What are we really?

An hour after sending my email, I heard an alert on my Blackberry phone - he has responded. And so I opened my inbox, red his message word for word. To my surprise and not knowing why, I got teary eyed. He said:

I screwed up, and I admit it. That’s why I never questioned you, the day you decided to leave me. It’s been tough, months of silence and living in guilt. Getting up the next day, and what for? But nothing. Yes, I am nothing without you, my love. What’s left of me was a box full of nothing. A body without a soul, an artist who has lost it’s muse. And everyday (not having you with me) is a constant reminder of my mistakes, of my despicable behaviour. A realization that life without you by my side , is a death sentence. 

Yes, you are strong and I am the weak one. You are capable of moving on, and I can’t (and I won’t.) No would mean the end of me. You’ve won, you’ve made your point.  Now could we leave these all behind us and please come back, love. I beg of you!

Guess the question now is — am I ready? Could I fall for the same guy the third time…

Ten Seconds

A quick hello and a kiss that last a lifetime. He is messing with my head again, and along with it – he’s also meddling with my feelings. What was that all about? I thought it was done and over with. I thought we’ll move on and continue to be friends.

But why did you kiss me? Couldn’t it have ended with just hello and then goodbye. Why the kiss on the lips, and not a peck on the cheek? Why were we both breathing heavily? As if you took the air out of my body,  then blew life back into me. Why Leon?

Now, you’ve lit the fire in me. And I can’t find it in my heart to kill that warmth, for it feels good. But I have to restrain myself. I couldn’t trust myself when I’m with you. I know, I couldn’t run away fast enough when I pull off that string of repression. I simply can’t!

That ten second kiss,  it was but a moment in time. But it  brought the dead into life…

Odd Guy, Out!

I had a horrible-fun night. It did start out nice at first, invited friends over for dinner and then I lost it. I did, and it was horrifying envisioning myself and remembering the things I said. And truth be told, I am not proud of what I said. But I also have no regrets, I had to do it. I had to get the message thru.

It started out as a week end picnic plan, but turned out my friends already had there stuff for that day. So we all decided to have it Thursday night. I made a pasta dish; my friends brought some dishes and a couple bottles of wine. People came on time and we were enjoying dinner, when a friend made a comment about my clothes. Saying that it’s inappropriate and “so unfashionista”, but I ignored him. But what can I say, I am in my own home. Is there really a need to dress up, right? And then, he made another comment about my place, saying that my decor was “all over the place.” Again, I kept my mouth shut. Although, my friends were starting to give me a look. The kind where they’re silently begging me not to say anything. Again, I ignored it. And then, they all decided to have a smoke in the garage. When my friend saw my old Honda Civic, and said – Oh my gosh, you’re still driving this car? Who drives this car nowadays? This is like the 90’s!

I exhaled and eventually, exploded – FYI, that car isn’t the 90’s. That is a 2000 Civic! And how dare you embarrass me in my own home. You are one self absorbed demeaning freak! I suggest you get your jacket from the closet and leave my undesigner house. And stay the f*ck away from my unfashionista life, will you? And would you please get out of here right away, before I loss my cool and ran you over with my car. Get out, now!

Long story short, my ex-friend left. And soon as my front door closed, the four of us remaining started laughing. Seems like everyone’s uncomfortable around him. And what’s great, is that the night ended well. Not to mention fun, after all the unpleasantries that happened.

A Passing Thought

I have always thought that when a guy falls for another guy. Both parties would be called gay lovers or a couple engaged in a gay relationship. Either that or the other guy is a hustler, call boy or a paid escort. But then, what do we call straight guys fooling around with gay men? Non stop flirting, constant eye contacts and inappropriate touchy conversations. I’m guessing, confused!

He Deserves Better

I never gave it much thought. But this past week end, as I was shopping at Barnes. I saw this book that caught my eye. It says, I Should Be Extremely Happy In His Company. And I quickly asked myself, am I extremely happy or at the very least, happy in his company?

The answer is, I’m not or maybe, not anymore. I myself am confused. I don’t know what happened these past couple weeks that made me say that. He’s every bit the man I wanted to be with – successful, career driven, devoted, loving, gentle and kind. Maybe, I’m the problem. I don’t know! All I know is that I’m unhappy and I couldn’t stand faking what I feel for him.

I hate the fact that I’m lying to him and to myself. And it hurts me more, that I would be the one responsible for his pain. I love him, and I am deeply in love with him to this very day. And if this is some sort of bad dream, I hope I snapped out of it soon. He deserves better, he deserves the happy me!

Sardonic Nell, Strikes Back

What a headline, huh? Well, I tried to cut down on my sarcasm this year as part of my New Year’s resolution. Add to that patience,which I’m really not that good at. But will try, at least give it a shot. Right?

I’d like to beleive that I’ve been very tolerant these past couple weeks. I’ve heard some not so nice comments made about me, but I’ve kept mum about it. I could have said something, but I didn’t. Then, there’s these two trainees who came into the office who doesn’t know crap about there job and what they’ve signed themselves for. Again, I’ve kept my cool and decided to babysit the two. Until one, quit the other day for unknown reasons. While the other is out for a whole week or so, cause of illness. What a wonderful first impression, right? So as you can see, I’ve been very good at keeping myself pleasing. Which, if I may add – is very tiring.

Then here comes the day, when I finally said to myself “F–k it, I have enough of these!” A phone call was accidentally transferred to my extension. I picked it up, and found out it was for my coworker. And since, I was going to get up and grab some coffee and her cubicle was along the way towards the vending machine. I decided to personally relay the message, that a phone was holding for her on line four. And guess what the b-tch said to me. “You could have just use the intercom and told me that!” That really pissed me off! I don’t think I deserve that. And for the first time in two months, I finally said something back.  I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I think my answer has flattered her.

“A thank you, would have been appropriate. But, guess not. And FYI, I know how to use the intercom. I just thought, you’d appreciate me saying hello to you. Anyhow, thanks for being crude. Enjoy the rest of your day, goodbye!”

Is It A Losing Game

We were driving down I-880 when Mom suddenly said – If you really love, Leon. Why did you let him go? I looked towards Mom’s direction and smiled. I said to her – It was love itself, Mom! She looked at me, took my right hand and squeezed it. She understood why…

Truth be told, I decided to call it quits with Leon againsts his will.  It was only a week or two after seeing each other when I told him, I’m out. Unfortunately, he was still in a committed relationship. And needless to say, I refuse to settle as second best. He did say that he’ll end his affair with the other guy, but I said no. It was unfair and uncoath to do such a thing and use me as an excuse. I told myself not to meddle with his life, it was his baggage not mine. But as heaven is my witness, I do love him to this very day. But the timing was all wrong, the events were not in my favor and maybe our time too, has past.

Through the years, you can say that I have matured quite tremendously. And if this has happened to me before, I would probably have no problem snatching someone elses man, all in the name of love. But then, my priorities has changed and I, as well. I have learned to let go of things and let it grow on it’s own. Learned when to fight and when to recede. I try to pick my battles and Leon wasn’t one of them. I have my reasons, and it wasn’t easy for me to deny him. Fact is, love is never selfish. I could have stayed with him, but that would mean losing my self respect and my values. Besides, how can I find peace and happiness when I know I’ve caused someone huge despair.

There’s never a day that I don’t think of Leon. He was the love of my life, my happiness. But he had some growing up to do, and situtations to face on his own. And love wasn’t a question. It was about trust all along, and I couldn’t find it in him just yet. 

Disheartened, But Optimistic

I thought this was all in the past. That I wouldn’t have to experience depression ever again. You see, it’s been months since my doctor took me off medication. Claiming that I’m well and don’t have any need for it. And I was happy, very happy when I heard the news. Since, I hated the feeling of being dependent to anyone or anything. Being off those meds was one of those things that made me smile. Gave me the freedom and the feeling that I am normal, just like the rest of the world.

And now, I am feeling abnormal again. What used to be something happy, would turn gloomy all of a sudden. What was filled with life, now seems pale and faint. And it freaks me out, for I have no control over these things. I couldn’t tell my head to stop, there isn’t any pause or power off button I could push.

I am trying, giving it my best. Telling myself to look at the bright side of things. Staying positive and doing the things that use to make me happy or at least, things that interests me. I’ve been reading a lot, focusing on studies, keeping myself busy with chores, watchings one movie after another, taking photos, plurking, knitting that scarf for my sister, and even doing a little gardening. But after a series of attempts, I found myself back at square one again. And it sucks!

I wouldn’t want to spill any more details about my condition. I am going thru depression again, and that is it. And I ain’t suicidal, let me just clarify that.  So don’t you guys worry, I will be fine. I already called my doctor and an appointment was set for me this Monday. The advice nurse said it’s nothing urgent, that I should be fine till then. Not unless I go ballistic, then I should call 911. Hahaha!

I must say that writing this down, made me feel better. I don’t know who else could find humor in such an awful state of being. I guess, it’s only me. I am simply trying to keep myself sane, and not get into any more trouble. I’ve been keeping my mouth shut as well, afraid that I may say things I’d later regret. And so I’m learning how to distinguish bluntness from mockery. Something I have a hard time doing.

I also realized that my writing has no direction or whatsover, it is preposterous. Don’t you think? So before I ridicule myself more, I’d like to shut up now. Relax my restless hands, close my eyes, pray and find me that balance and inner peace… again.

Two’s A Charm

Saturday finally came, and at 6 PM sharp he was right outside our door and ringing the door bell. This time he was wearing a yellow polo shirt that was clinging tightly on both his arms, a flat front chinos and a pair of black mocs. We’re going casual today, hahahah!

Reservations we’re made at Trattoria La Siciliana, a cozy italian restaurant along the busy College Avenue in Berkeley. We were seated right away, ordered our food and I ended guzzling half a bottle of wine (not even a sip him since he’s driving). And we all know what happens when I’m loaded, suddenly I let lose and the sensuous side of me is unleashed. And I’m not embarrassed, for I know exactly what I’m doing.

If I’m not mistaken, I was able to tell my date our families life history in that two hours we were together. I realized he was also loosening up a bit, when he told me stuff about he’s ex’es. However, I felt bad for him, for he’s been dump for another guy each time he’s in a relationship. But how can that be? He’s goodlooking, he seems kindhearted, he’s got a good job, he’s descent, and he’s smart. What seems to be the problem? Which led me to asking him that question.

” Why do you get dump each and every time? “ I fearlessly asked him.

His reaction was a complete surprise. I thought he was going to smack me or say, how dare you. But he didn’t, he was cool about it. He put his hand on top of mine, gently lift it, put it on his face and lightly kissed it. I didn’t see that coming, it startled me a bit.

” All of them says the same thing, that I’m boring! “ He said without any hesitation.

But how can they say that? He seems fine now that he’s with me. Yes, he’s quiet and a bit limited when it comes to answers. But there’s no way that someone would address him, weary or disinteresting. Maybe, they’re too animated for him. Either that or they’re just making a bunch of excuses.

True, I don’t know him that much. But there has got to be something good and fascinating about him. I can even name a few, considering we’ve only met twice. He’s very attentive guy, passionate about his craft and did I mention, a gentle man. He really is! He could have easily took advantage of a situation, but he chose not to.

Two hours after, the wine finally got me. I apologized to him for getting myself intoxicated. It was poor judgement on my part to drink that much. What was I thinking? It was a date, and not a cocktail party. And he was quick to stop me and asked that I quit apologizing. He said that he’d love for us to go out again. And I did accept his invitation. But this time, to make it up to him. I asked that I make the arrangements, and I will take the tab on our next date.

He smiled at me and said, ” Okay, whatever makes you happy! “

A Learning Experience, Maybe

Anak, can we receive a visitor at your place? Mom asked, as I was driving back home from a job interview. I guess the beach house was too far for this guest to drive, so mother suggested meeting him at my house. Of course, I agreed. However, I told Mom that she’s in charge of dinner and preparations.

At about 7 PM, our guest arrived. He claimed to be our uncle, some distant relative of Mom from Cagayan de Oro. They were about the same age, grew up together as kids and went to MSU together. So, I guess they were close at one time.

While having dinner, our guest made a kind comment about our new home. He said, this is a nice place you have here. And in reply I said, thank you. And then our conversation brought us to my job and then losing our old house. He said to me, you work in the business and financial field and didn’t see it coming? In your line of work, don’t they have this thing called calculated risk? My eyes widened in surprise, I didn’t think it was appropriate for him to comment on my personal affairs. And did I mention, he’s a guest in our house. But I decided to keep my mouth shut, out of respect and hospitality.

How about you, what do you do for a living? Are you married, do you have kids? I asked him. He answered, I’ve been separated from my wife for about three years now and we have one child together. You can say, we were both busy building up our net worth and the next thing you know , our marriage fell apart. I apologized for asking, when he interrupted me and said, I was so engrossed in my job as a Marriage and Family Therapist.

Forgive me, but I ended up laughing and giggling inside when I heard him say this. I felt like saying, you work as a family therapist and didn’t see the separation coming? I wonder if he was able to apply  the techniques and theories he learned in school? I simply rest my case…