Love Is…

It’s mid afternoon and everybody’s busy preparing tonights Thanksgiving meal in the kitchen. Honestly, it was starting to get a bit crowded in our mid-size kitchen. And then it hit me! 

Dad is by sink washing the dishes, Mom was by the pantry looking for some Mang Tomas lechon sauce, my Sister by the stove glazing the ham, my Brothers and in-laws sitting in front of counter table sampling the food.  And my nephews and niece in the family room doing the thing they do best – watching TV and video games.

Wow, the whole family’s here! And however sad I am trying to put myself together. How can I be unhappy? I am surrounded by love, and that is all the blessing I need!

Of Time and Tides

Yes, the tides has changed once again. One day, Mom is feeling wonderfully well and then now, she’s not. Truly, our family’s battle with breast cancer has been one hell of a ride. Not to mention the anxiety and emotional torture. But however exhausted, we promise never to give up. There are things in life that I have no problem letting go, just not this one. It’s  totally out of the question!

To My Old Wise Man

It’s Fathers Day today, and unfortunately Dad had to bail out on us. He happens to have a private date, and we understand. But I’d like to say a few words to my old wise man. He may not be the most eloquent father, but I love him just that way. So here’s a shout out for my Paps!

Dad, thank you. Thanks for giving me a chance to live, and giving me the space to grow in my own terms. Thanks for loving me unconditionally. You may not say the words, but I feel it every minute of my life. Thanks for being my man of strength, for defending me againts all harms. For being my man of truth, making me accept the person that I am. For being my man of wisdom, letting me know to embrace my own uniqueness. For it is what makes me – ME.  And I may not say it often, but I do love you. It’s just that we have our own different ways of expressing it. Happy Fathers Day!

Growing Up

I knew the day would eventually come, but I didn’t expect it to be so soon. Well, the siblings I use to care for can pretty much fend for themselves now. Funny, how I thought this day would be one joyous occassion. When I could finally free myself and do the things I have put on hold. Travel the world, settle down maybe and take care of me.

Somehow, I feel useless. Maybe because I’ve spend most of my life caring and tending people I love. And now that they no longer need my help. Here am I standing on the sidewalk, clueless. Wondering what to do next, trying to find something to keep me occupied.

I guess, I need some getting to use time. Let this all sink in and get myself acclimated to my so called, new life. It won’t be easy, but I know I’ll snap out of it sometime. Change is good, I’ll tell myself that over and over again.

I’ll be fine, I will be…

Manila, Here I Come

This is it!
All my bags are packed and neatly stacked in the garage.
Have my passport and ticket in one hand. 
I have never ever been this ready to go on a holiday.

The 7,107 islands of the Philippines awaits me.
And I can’t wait to see the wonder there is, in that beautiful city.
I am beyond excited, my happiness shows.
I am finally coming HOME!

 

PS: This would also be my entry for Litratong Pinoy #36, entitled EXCITED…

Litratong Pinoy #35: Pagwawagi

Ako nga ay nagwagi at ito ang aking mga tropeo sa buhay…

Oh diba? Waging wagi…

Why NO?

My arguments real simple. If straight people have the right to marry, why can’t we? Not that I have any intentions to. But I would like that right to be there for me, should I someday have the compulsion to do so. It insults me that my rights as a human being had to be voted for by the people. How would you feel if you were in my shoes? They say – whatever happens to traditional marriage?  Well, let me tell you this…

Open you eyes and watch the world evolving. The right to marry is for everyone! The constitution ensures everyones rights, straight or gay. And if you can’t handle that and want to live the traditional way. I suggest you pack your bags and move back to the country side, where there’s no light, electricity or civilization! And enjoy your dose of traditional living.

Say no to discrimination!

Talking To My Man

I haven’t been feeling well since the other day. It started with muscle pain, then fever, followed by sinus infection and sore throat. It must be the weather, or some sort of bug I caught from the outside world. However, today was much better. I was able to eat more than just soup and crackers. Still have a little bit of muscle pain, fever’s gone, but still has runny nose and throat discomfort.

Then came this afternoon, when my old man came over. Checked to see how I was doing and invited me to go target shooting with him at this indoor range. I really didn’t feel like it at first, but I figured out that I needed to get out of the house. Maybe some fresh air would do me good.

So here we are driving down to South San Francisco, when Dad suddenly interrupt our silence. “You seem very quiet today, something wrong with your tongue? Did you bit on it?” Dad asked. Maybe I was too focused on driving, or wasn’t feeling like my jolly, talkative self. “I’m sorry, Dad. You want us to talk about something?” I said to him.

“Not really, just not use to your silence” Dad said, without even looking at me. “Well, maybe you can tell me about your masters. You doing okay with your class?” He asked. “Everything’s cool, I’m good and you got my email concerning my grades last semester, right?” I said in reply. And then he nodded to confirm that he got my message.

Five minutes has passed and then he said, “Yup, that was impressive! I’m sure your Lola, your aunts and cousins would be thrilled to hear the good news.” I was confuse what Dad was trying to say, and so I asked him. “What was that, Paps?” And then he looked towards my direction and said, “I mean your grades, they’re really good. Better than your cousin Anthony, who’s taking his masters at UC Davis.” And then it hit me, I am being compared, yet again. I have to admit, Dad’s statement ruined my mood, it pissed me off!

I didn’t have the guts to answer back that very minute. I realized that this is my father I’m talking to, I had to be careful what I say. Plus, I didn’t want to be disrespectful or end up being called an ingrate. So while I was shooting my Glock 38 and hitting the target, I was also trying to compose a speech inside my head. And though I was a bit distracted, I was able to finish eight rounds and beat Dad at his game. I was twenty three points ahead of him. Not bad, right?

But then came the drive home, when I’m supposed to confront him. I was shit scared and about to pee in my pants, when he said. “Something wrong, Son?” I looked at my man and said, “Ahmm, it’s about…” I was horrified, stuttering and couldn’t finished my sentence. “Say it!” Dad said in an authoritative voice. Then, I realized this would be my chance to make a stand and share my opinion. So I stopped the car on a curb and finally said it.

“Paps, I respect you and all. But this bragging ritual of yours with auntie and uncle has to stop! It’s annoying and at the same time, insulting. It puts me and my innocent cousins in very bad and odd situations. Not to mention putting our friendship and familiarity on the line. What do we get from this? Absolutely nothing, right? And if we truly are family down to the core. Do we really need to compete against each other and see who’s on top and who’s second rate? I don’t think so. Besides, family’s supposed to stick together!”

And when I was finally done. Dad said, “Are you finished?” I looked at him and answered, “I am and I’m sorry if I’ve upset you!”  He then put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Whoever said I was upset? All I wanted to say was, cut the bullsh*t and go straight to the point. You know me, I don’t do dramas!” And then he ordered me to start the car and drive to the nearest Popeye’s Fried Chicken.

Hahahah…

Tough Love

I’ve hurt someone I love today, and I feel horrible. I know I did the right thing, yet I am feeling at fault. But I needed to draw the line somewhere, I cannot help him forever. I cannot be there each time he falls, or bail him out when he gets into trouble.

I didn’t know love can be so exhausting. Yes, I am tired, so tired of broken promises and hearing all sorts of excuses.

I am bleeding inside, for I know he felt betrayed. But this is not an act of abandonment, nor an issue about trust. I am simply doing him a favor. For if I don’t cut him out now, he would surely drag me and our family with him. Draining us of every inch of dignity and self respect we have left.

There is no doubt, I love him. But I do not like the man he has become — selfish, abusive, greedy, brassy and impolite. He has turned into a monster, capable of tormenting anyone, including the family who relentlessly cared for him.

The abuse and exploitation has to stop, and unfortunately for me, it ends here. I simply don’t buy it no more. There is nothing he can say that would change the way I feel. What I need now is a commitment for change. And until he realizes what he did wrong and seek professional help. I do not want him, not in my life or in this life time. He can bring his bullshit elsewhere, to someone he can deceive.

There is love and concern, but I am out of compassion. And yes, it’s a harsh reality he has to face. But I cannot continue putting my life on the pedestal or live in days filled with fear and uncertainties. I demand change, or I may as well lose him forever.

Happy Birthday, Mom

Mom, your birthday means so much to me,
To have you in my life another year,
The time I spent enfolded in your love,
Each day, each moment with you is so dear.  

I cherish the very special bond we have.
You lift my spirit in so many ways.
I celebrate your life, I honor you,
And send to you my love and care and praise.

Happy Birthday, I Love You!