Ten Seconds

A quick hello and a kiss that last a lifetime. He is messing with my head again, and along with it – he’s also meddling with my feelings. What was that all about? I thought it was done and over with. I thought we’ll move on and continue to be friends.

But why did you kiss me? Couldn’t it have ended with just hello and then goodbye. Why the kiss on the lips, and not a peck on the cheek? Why were we both breathing heavily? As if you took the air out of my body,  then blew life back into me. Why Leon?

Now, you’ve lit the fire in me. And I can’t find it in my heart to kill that warmth, for it feels good. But I have to restrain myself. I couldn’t trust myself when I’m with you. I know, I couldn’t run away fast enough when I pull off that string of repression. I simply can’t!

That ten second kiss,  it was but a moment in time. But it  brought the dead into life…

Much Needed Space

People need space, and I for one needed one today. Call it weird, but I decided to cut myself off from the world we live in. I called in sick (which I am – flu bug and all), unplugged the home phone, turned off my cellphone, took some meds and red a book till I fell asleep. For a couple hours, I was able to focus on myself. No work to think of, no phone calls, a little time away from the family – just time for me and the things I like doing on my own.  And surprisingly, it felt good. I enjoyed it immensely, that I wanted to do it all over again…

To My Old Wise Man

It’s Fathers Day today, and unfortunately Dad had to bail out on us. He happens to have a private date, and we understand. But I’d like to say a few words to my old wise man. He may not be the most eloquent father, but I love him just that way. So here’s a shout out for my Paps!

Dad, thank you. Thanks for giving me a chance to live, and giving me the space to grow in my own terms. Thanks for loving me unconditionally. You may not say the words, but I feel it every minute of my life. Thanks for being my man of strength, for defending me againts all harms. For being my man of truth, making me accept the person that I am. For being my man of wisdom, letting me know to embrace my own uniqueness. For it is what makes me – ME.  And I may not say it often, but I do love you. It’s just that we have our own different ways of expressing it. Happy Fathers Day!

The Role Each People Play

My mentor once told me, that life is like a play. That each person has a role to portray in this broadway show called, LIFE. And it doesn’t matter if we got the lead role, a supporting character or an extra. A role is a role, and each character, no matter how grand or small, is important to get the story and message through. What does matter, is if we give it our best?

The Wisdom There Is In Life

I was at doctors office waiting for my name to be called for an appointment, when I saw a book on a side table that caught my attention. I opened it, started reading and made a huge discovery about myself…

That I should accept my own foolishness in my character. To accept that it was not my destiny to be the sort of person I would have liked to be. To try and see the people as themselves. To appreciate the distinctions between one shade of gray and the other. To beleive that if you like people, it is probable that they will like you. To trust people, partly because it is too much bother to go around full of distrust. To accept that being let down is among the normal course of life and that we only harm ourselves by being bitter. To beleive in our own experience, and dare to do what we beleive is our destiny. To rely on the experience of other people, but not on the wisdom of others, because it is useless. To live our own experience, because it is unique. That life is not a rehearsal, either we watch life passing right in front of us or try to experiece it fully. And finally, to rejoice, be happy and stop moaning!

Odd Guy, Out!

I had a horrible-fun night. It did start out nice at first, invited friends over for dinner and then I lost it. I did, and it was horrifying envisioning myself and remembering the things I said. And truth be told, I am not proud of what I said. But I also have no regrets, I had to do it. I had to get the message thru.

It started out as a week end picnic plan, but turned out my friends already had there stuff for that day. So we all decided to have it Thursday night. I made a pasta dish; my friends brought some dishes and a couple bottles of wine. People came on time and we were enjoying dinner, when a friend made a comment about my clothes. Saying that it’s inappropriate and “so unfashionista”, but I ignored him. But what can I say, I am in my own home. Is there really a need to dress up, right? And then, he made another comment about my place, saying that my decor was “all over the place.” Again, I kept my mouth shut. Although, my friends were starting to give me a look. The kind where they’re silently begging me not to say anything. Again, I ignored it. And then, they all decided to have a smoke in the garage. When my friend saw my old Honda Civic, and said – Oh my gosh, you’re still driving this car? Who drives this car nowadays? This is like the 90’s!

I exhaled and eventually, exploded – FYI, that car isn’t the 90’s. That is a 2000 Civic! And how dare you embarrass me in my own home. You are one self absorbed demeaning freak! I suggest you get your jacket from the closet and leave my undesigner house. And stay the f*ck away from my unfashionista life, will you? And would you please get out of here right away, before I loss my cool and ran you over with my car. Get out, now!

Long story short, my ex-friend left. And soon as my front door closed, the four of us remaining started laughing. Seems like everyone’s uncomfortable around him. And what’s great, is that the night ended well. Not to mention fun, after all the unpleasantries that happened.

No Way, But The Highway

I decided to finally answer the phone. I thought a week of silence is enough torture for him. It was immature, but what can I do? This is how I handle things. I guess he was suprised when I finally said hello. He even asked, is this Nell? I laughed and he finally found out he had the right person all along. Hahaha!

Surprisingly, the conversation was mellow. No one dared to raise our voice, we were finally talking like adults should. He asked me questions, and I answered. I asked mine, and I begged him to tell me the truth. Which he eventually did.

In closing, I thanked him for his honesty. I knew it was too much for him, yet he did. And I appreciate him more, for owning up his lies and mistakes. Both of us have our own set of misbehaviour, if you know what I mean.

Things may not have turned out like we expected. But we handled things well, I think. And it feels good to close one chapter without ripping any pages. What we had was a dream turned nightmare. We thought it was a good idea to rekindle the flame. But that flame, eventually burned both of us. We made the rules, and broke it many times. It was too good to be true! With our past haunting us to this day, it was impossible to make things work. We tried, and we failed. And from that, we picked up the pieces. We gave each other a hug and we moved on!

It was a mutual thing, we both needed to heal. And come to think of it, going our separate ways was the best decision we have made…

A Passing Thought

I have always thought that when a guy falls for another guy. Both parties would be called gay lovers or a couple engaged in a gay relationship. Either that or the other guy is a hustler, call boy or a paid escort. But then, what do we call straight guys fooling around with gay men? Non stop flirting, constant eye contacts and inappropriate touchy conversations. I’m guessing, confused!

He Deserves Better

I never gave it much thought. But this past week end, as I was shopping at Barnes. I saw this book that caught my eye. It says, I Should Be Extremely Happy In His Company. And I quickly asked myself, am I extremely happy or at the very least, happy in his company?

The answer is, I’m not or maybe, not anymore. I myself am confused. I don’t know what happened these past couple weeks that made me say that. He’s every bit the man I wanted to be with – successful, career driven, devoted, loving, gentle and kind. Maybe, I’m the problem. I don’t know! All I know is that I’m unhappy and I couldn’t stand faking what I feel for him.

I hate the fact that I’m lying to him and to myself. And it hurts me more, that I would be the one responsible for his pain. I love him, and I am deeply in love with him to this very day. And if this is some sort of bad dream, I hope I snapped out of it soon. He deserves better, he deserves the happy me!

I Heart My Imperfections

My brown skin,
The scar on my left cheek,
Eyes the color of the earth,
In a body, no one wants,
Except me, and only me.